No rocket science here. May or may not be helpful at all. But in the hopes that maybe it is helpful.... I would say ... Say yes to any blind date :) I know blind dates can get old, but after about one million that "didn't work," one finally did!!! It never hurts to get to know another person. Also, don't look just for "your type." I married someone very different (not in the most important senses of gospel living, testimony and priorities, but in terms of hobbies, appearance, clothing, etc) from what I pictured and he became the perfect fit for me. And then --- patience and communicate and patience and communicate and more patience and more communication --- we dated 13 months (pretty rough during lots of it) before we got engaged. All the patience and communication we learned during dating has been so helpful in our marriage. The bottom line for us in deciding to get married was that we knew we would each work just as hard as the other person in creating and maintaining a celestial marriage. And it has been and continues to be celestial!!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Response #8
1. For those of our members who aren't currently dating anyone exclusively, what do you think the top 2 or 3 things people should do to MEET someone who has the potential to be a future spouse (or alternatively recognize potential in people they've already met)
--SERVE (you learn to love those you serve, and they learn to love you too!)
--along with serving, live a full life (people who are just "waiting" aren't as interesting to be with as those who are really living their lives...single adults have SO much opportunity to make a difference in the world. Although it might feel like it will never end now, hopefully, some day this time period will seem very short...make the most of it).
--become the person you would want your future spouse to marry (develop the characteristics you hope he has...maybe taking that family finance class will be where you'll meet him??)
--don't waste time deciding for someone else if they would be interested in you (i.e. "He'd never date someone like me..." Let him get to know you so he can decide for himself! You might be surprised!)
2. And once two people are dating each other, what are the 2 or 3 things dating couples should do that will make it most likely they will end up getting married (assuming of course they're a good fit for each other - if a terrible fit I guess the question would be what are the things they should do to realize they're a bad fit?)
--that person doesn't have to meet all the criteria on your "list," but they should be someone who makes you want to be a better person and makes you happier
--attend the temple together often
--receive revelation that you should get married, and then don't get caught up in the details (If I'd been more aware of some of the worldly "details," I might have missed out on the love of my life!)
Good luck! We're so grateful we were able to meet each other in the Winder 19th ward. We've now been married 2 1/2 years and are having a blast. We have a precious 8 month old that continues to bring joy (and adventures) to our lives. Best wishes to all of you!
Response #9
Hi Jonny,
Just thought I might add my two cents here. Something I learned that I wish someone had told me is "don't assume you have a 'type.'" Part of the reason that I waited so long to ask out my future wife was because I thought she wasn't my type. She was not at all like the other girls I dated, but it turns out that that was what I needed. In retrospect, it was silly of me to think that I should keep dating the same type of girl that I always ended up breaking up with.
Not earth-shattering, I know, but perhaps something to consider.
Response #10
My only advise would be to consider all options, even online dating. My wife and I were both in similar situations, both tired and frustrated of the datig scene in the singles wards and both tried online datting and met each other within a week of trying it out. We corresponded for a couple months and realized we went to the same institute class. I know we would have never just met at institute, God works in mysterious ways.
Response #11
Hi Jonny,
Well, I am happily married, with baby #2 on the way. We are doing very well. I was just thinking the other day actually, that wow! I wasn't single that long ago, and it's amazing how fast things can change!
Anyway, that's an interesting question you posed in your email, and I'm not there's a cure-all answer to that. I personally think it's different for everyone, but I will share some of my thoughts.
In my opinion, I really don't think it's as much to do with "what you do or don't do" to get married...To me, it's more about your ATTITUDE about dating. Honestly, in the many singles wards I attended, I observed (and myself experienced) a lot of PRESSURE to get married. Sometimes, putting too much pressure on one's self or feeling too much pressure from others (including friends and parents) can be detrimental to the whole dating prospect. For me personally, I remember feeling I needed to not "TRY" so hard to find my spouse, but rather, just let it happen. Now, 'letting it happen' doesn't mean not doing anything or giving up. Rather, to me, it means, just simply being more accepting of life as you know it, including: being more accepting of yourself, first of all, and being accepting of others around you (being willing to go out with anyone and give it a try...i.e. have an open mind and not worry about what anyone will think when they see you two going out together!), and also, being accepting of your situation in life and God's will for you...i.e. always trying to maintain a positive attitude about dating and relationships (which gets harder and harder) and be willing to accept the Lord's will and timing for you, clinging onto faith (which again, can get harder and harder the longer you remain single).
Let me go back to the being accepting of yourself part, because this was a big thing for me personally. Being in the H4 or other 'singles ward hubs,' is a great place to be because there are so many people and there is always so much going on! I remember feeling a lot of pressure to go to every single activity and all the parties going on because I didn't want to miss out on meeting someone! But I remember often feeling very little satisfaction from some of those casual 'meet 'n greets' because much of the conversation was so minimal and superficial, and I never felt like I got any depth! One thing that I had to realize for myself was that not going to every single party around WAS NOT going to keep me from meeting my spouse. Honestly, I realized that I wanted to find someone like ME and someone who enjoys the same things as me. So because I didn't always enjoy going to every single party, my future spouse likely felt the same way (which he very much did, by the way), and so he might not be going to those parties either! Anyway, I'm not trying to say I stopped going to activities period...but I took the pressure off myself to always go. I only went when I was in the mood and when I had a desire to go. I found that going when I did not have the desire was futile. I had a bad attitude the whole time. Anyway, that is just to demonstrate that I had to figure out who I was and be confident in who I was and realize that as long as I was true to myself, the Lord would help me find my spouse. And He did. He was my roommate's cousin and met me when he came over to our apt one day!
Anyway, I have just one more thought about once you start dating someone. Again, you have to take the pressure off yourself and the person you're dating. Just go with it and see what happens. Keep an open mind...don't worry about what people think of you or how they view your relationship! (I.E. my cousin never really approved or thought highly of our match, even until we got engaged, but we both just kind of ignore her opinions and went with our own feelings instead, which can be difficult, but extremely important!). The counsel I continually gave myself in our courtship was to keep going forward and keep taking steps until there was a definite reason to STOP. I was always scared to take that next step and always nervous about it (as I didn't know if I wanted the relationship to go that far or not), but I kept taking those steps and it kept getting better and better, and those feelings just came and got stronger and stronger. It's hard to see the end from the beginning, and oftentimes we try to see too far ahead from the beginning, when we shouldn't!!! We need to focus on the moment and just focus on how we feel today and not get too caught up in what's going to happen in the future!
Anyway, I didn't mean to get on a soapbox and didn't mean to say that much. But I guess I feel strongly about those things because they were what I needed to learn!
Hope you can take something useful from all this!