Response #18

Hi Jonny,

Hope you are doing well. [Husband] forwarded the message below on to me. I have been thinking about your questions over the last couple of days and have a few thoughts I would like to share, more things that I learned than anything else.

1. Be open to all good possibilities. Sometimes we have our mind, or in our heart, a firm idea of what we want and cross off many other good potential matches because they don't quite "fit the mold." I'm not suggesting we shouldn't be attracted to people or have things in common, because these are things that are an important part of the initial spark and something that keeps the fire burning after so to speak. I am suggesting that if the other person is a good person, one with whom you share common values and someone that there could be potential with don't be too quick to write them off just because they may not be what you have always gone for etc.

2. Be willing to do some soul searching and ask yourself hard questions. For example, is there a reason why my previous relationships haven't worked out? Is there something in my dating habits that I need to change? Do I keep pursuing the same type of person, just in a different body, and wonder why things aren't working out? Am I attracted to people that have problems - commitment, emotional, family etc. Don't be afraid of the answers and be willing to change based on the answers that you get. (I had about a month of these introspective conversations with myself just before I met Dave. It changed my dating habits and made it so I was emotionally open to date him when I met him again.)

3. Along those same lines if you have baggage in your own life, work through it now. Two halves don't make a whole when it comes to marriage. You, your future spouse and your future children will all be much better off because you were willing to work through things now.

4. This next one is a line I took from Alisa Goodwin Snell. I loved it and have shared it with many of my single friends because it was a turning point for me. She said, "I refuse to give my best to those who don't invest!" I add to this, have the courage to live this principle. It's hard when you really care about someone because you want it to work out and will often go to great measures to try and make that happen. Truth is, if someone is putting you through the proverbial ringer over and over again it is usually because they don't really care you and ultimately don't want a relationship. It isn't pleasant, but acknowledge this to yourself and go on because there will be someone who will really love you for being you. Denying postpones the inevitable and only makes it harder to move on.

5. Don't lower your standards and settle. Put together two lists, a list of "must haves" and a list of "would be nice..." Make sure these lists are reasonable by looking around at people that you know, if you don't know anyone who fits your criteria then there is a good chance that person doesn't exist. Don't compromise on the "must haves" or you will most likely end up disappointed.

6. Practice good communication. Learn to talk about the hard things because there is a lot of communication in relationships/ marriage.

7. Be patient, even when you do start dating someone. You don't know if and when it will lead anywhere. Don't force the issue. DTR's due to impatience, have been the source of more than one break up. Resist the urge to panic and want commitment and answers (especially for the ladies!) Just make sure you aren't giving your best to those who don't invest.

8. Fill your life with good things and learn to be happy for other people, even when they are where you really want to be and aren't. Life is about what happens on the way to your dreams and we miss a lot of it if we are trying to force our way to the next stage. Please don't be bitter about the fact that you aren't married (more for the ladies.) It is much easier to find love when you are open and looking for it.

9. When in a relationship remember that, "Love comes softly" and grows over time. When you feel good about something and start to see your future with someone, don't be afraid to keep moving forward. Your love will continue to grow and the little things will work out. There are always things that can cause you fear, but if you feel good about a decision, you are happy and peaceful about it, then keep moving forward. Heavenly Father lets us make our own decision before he confirms or denies the answer. I think the counsel found in D&C 9 is the best,

"Behold, you have not understood; you have supposed that I would give it unto you, when you took no thought save it was to ask me.

But, behold, I say unto you, that you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right.

But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings, but you shall have a stupor of thought that shall cause you to forget the thing that is wrong."

10. Last, good luck to everyone is this stage. I relate to the feelings and frustrations. It isn't easy but the happiness that you feel, once you have made a good decision and are married, is worth the struggle. It amazed me how much joy was added to my life after we got married. It was like a whole new dimension was opened that I never knew existed.

You'll have to let us know how the presentation goes. Feel free to use any, all or none of the above information that you feel is beneficial.