Advice from married / engaged couples

For most of the last 8 years I've had the privilege of serving as the Executive Secretary in 4 different wards, and that has given me the opportunity as engaged couples have called me to schedule a wedding recommend interview to ask them "I would love to be in your place, and I'm not - what have you done to get to where you are?".

I've noticed common patterns in their responses and recently offered to put together a presentation on consistent themes I've heard in their responses. To prepare for the presentation, I reached out to about 150 members of my ward who have gotten married in the last few years and asked them to give me written answers to two questions:

1. For those of our members who aren't currently dating anyone exclusively, what do you think the top 2 or 3 things people should do to MEET someone who has the potential to be a future spouse (or alternatively recognize potential in people they've already met)

2. And once two people are dating each other, what are the 2 or 3 things dating couples should do that will make it most likely they will end up getting married (assuming of course they're a good fit for each other - if a terrible fit I guess the question would be what are the things they should do to realize they're a bad fit?)

I received dozens of interesting responses, and so I've posted them here. The only change I've made is removing names so they will be anonymous. I hope you enjoy reading their responses!

Response "0"

Editor's note:

This was posted on a public blog by a former member of our ward who married a ward member. I thought it was especially insightful and so added it here:

"I've been married for almost two months now. While that doesn't quite make me an "expert" on love (I'm pretty sure I'll never be that), I have learned a few things in the short time I've spent with the one I love.

One of the biggest lessons that I've learned in my relationship with [husband] (pre and post marriage) is that love is a CHOICE. So often, we talk about "falling" in love and finding our "soul mate" as if it is something that we have no control over. Hollywood and generations of fairy tales have conditioned us to believe that love means perfection, constant bliss, and an eternal happily ever after. While I do believe in happiness, bliss, and the eventual achievement of perfection, love isn't as perfect or as easy as story books often make it out to be.

And, you know what, that's OKAY!

Not expecting perfection of myself or others is incredibly LIBERATING. Furthermore, as I've allowed myself to love, despite my imperfections, I've learned that the more I actively choose to love, the more my feelings of love grow. All the "warts" and flaws melt away (or at least don't seem to matter much) when we focus on improving the lives of others.

One of my favorite quotes on the subject is from Richard Paul Evans's book, The Letter. In it, an old man gives some advice to a young, floundering husband. I couldn't find the exact quote, so I did the best I could from memory:

"You talk about love like it's a hole, something you can fall in and out of. But real love isn't like that. It's more like a tree: grows if you mind it, dies if you don't. No one stands back of a neglected tree and says, 'Guess that tree just wasn't supposed to live,' but people do it all the time with their loves."

May I never neglect the tree that I am finding more and more beautiful and desirable each day I spend with my eternal best friend and companion. May I strive to love him as well as he loves me.

One more quote for the road. This one comes from the book The Christmas List, a kind of modernized version of A Christmas Carol. At the end, the main character says the following:

"We humans...are seriously flawed. The things that are the most necessary, the most critical to us, are the things we take most for granted. Air. Water. Love. If you have someone to love, you are lucky. If they love you back, you're blessed. And if you waste the time you have to love them, you're a fool.

Response #1

Johnny,

Without any snide comments regarding the irony of your instructive position, here's the true doctrine (with little organizational thought):

1a) I refer you use the story of Zaccheus from the bible (it's also an effective story for missionary work). As a reminder, he was the short guy and scurried up a tree to see Jesus. In summary, he was in the right place, made himself seen, and subsequently he was extended an invitation. That sums up dating in a nutshell.

1b) To be honest, the "meeting" someone isn't problematic. We meet people everyday. The problem is meeting someone that meets our standards (spiritually, physically, intellectually, etc.) whom also believes that we meet theirs. In dating, people really need to focus on elevating their short/long-term tangible/intangible qualities. Part of the secondary effect of this, is that as you see you're becoming a better person, you gain confidence. And everyone knows that's important.

1c) Do NOT meet people in the temple. Period. End of story.

1d) Ward hoping: Guys: before leaving a ward or declaring it "dry," commit to at least 5 dates - one of which has to be with someone totally out of your league.

1e) Blind dates: People that don't like blind dates have it backwards. Make it your goal to make every blind-date a good experience for the other person. Even if you don't like the other person, there's nothing wrong with making them feel better about themselves and you becoming a better person.

---

2a) The most important thing I would say is to not burn bridges. 80%-90% of my meaningful relationships came on the second time around. Engage people honestly to be their friends, and be happy for them when they find happiness elsewhere. Likewise, look at past relationships and how they've ended. If there's a negative pattern, chances are, that pattern is you.

2b) If there is any point in a relationship at which - if it didn't work out - you would look back and regret it, get out.

2c) One of my favorite books is "Blink," and I think it applies perfectly to dating. You should know in 1 month (if not on the first date) whether there is compatability. I'm not suggesting that people should get engaged quickly, but people should trust their instincts and move on them.

2d) Madame Guillotine. 'nuff said.

2e) This one I'm going to be hated for: Despite not having the guts to do it myself, don't turn down a promising date just because you're "in a relationship" with someone else. Getting married is a numbers game, so play the numbers. Just make it clear early in the relationship what your expectation is. But don't go kissing more than 1 at a time - that's just bad form. Remember: Celibacy before marriage - Fidelity IN MARRIAGE (not before). :)

Good luck man,

Response #2

Editor's note: This person later told me they were kidding with this message, but I thought it was funny and made a point so I'm putting it in anyway:

Dear Jonny,

It's all dumb luck. You're all screwed.

Wish you the best,

Response #3

Jon,

1. STOP looking for Miss Perfect (she's not out there).

2. Give certain women a chance that you wouldnt normally.

3. If she makes you laugh and you like being around her, go for her.

4. Just ask her out. Chances are she is going to say yes anyway.

5. There will be things that you disagree about or may bug you, dont obsess over these minor details/flaws.

6. Tell the other person you like them. Let them know you are interested.

7. Quit looking for the lusts of your eyes, and start seeing with the love of your heart.

Good Fit:

- Spend quality time together, engaging in conversation and laughing together.

- Spend time at the temple together

- Practice the holy habits and righteous routines of praying, studying the scriptures, and family home evening together.

- Get lost in each other, lose yourself for her and her desires.

- Make the committment.

Response #4

Hey Jonny,

[husband] says:

It's hard to tell people to adjust their expectations. But be at least open to the possibility with a relationship with anybody. And adjust your expectation to be realistic. And not just your expectation of what the person is like, but what your expectation of being in a relationship should be like. I think the women have this image of marrying an up and coming senator or general authority. I think the men think they want to get married, but are too attached to their stress-free bachelor lifestyles. Consider, arranged marriages have very low divorce rates. (Ha ha, just kidding. But they do.)

[wife] says:

I think it would be interesting to ask the Relief Society to write a list of boys (three to five names) in the ward they would like to date. I would guess once the list was compiled you wouldn't have more than twenty names on it. Same for the Priesthood. I think that makes my point. Frankly, I never would have picked [husband] as the kind of person I would be spending forever with, I never dated anyone like him before or since, and yet I couldn't be happier. He is so amazing and such an incredible person.

One point we both strongly agree on can be explained in this video, "The Paradox of Choice" by Barry Schwatz on ted.com. Its about twenty minutes long and we found fascinating. Dating is just one application, I hope you take the time to listen to it.

Last thing, we both want to endorse marriage. We've been kidding around a lot, but we both absolutely love being married. Its the best thing that ever happened to us. It's seriously so awesome. If I had known how amazing it was going to be I would have done it years ago. (ha ha) I hope everyone has the opportunity to experience such joy and bliss.

Cheers,

Response #5

Hey Jonny,

I would say the "top thing [guys] should do to MEET someone who has the potential to be a future spouse" would be simply to ask out all girls that you have an interest in. It's a sales game and more numbers help with the odds of finding/meeting a potential mate. Planning ahead of time helps too.

I have no advise for the marriage thing as it just happened - was asking out any girl that I was interested in until the right one kept saying yes.

Hope everything is going well for you!

Response #6

Hey Jon! This sounds like a fun presentation :). I asked my husband what his best advice was and it was "to wait for the right time." My only advice is when you're in a relationship with someone that you are beginning to really see a future with, don't over-analyze it... let it happen. If you're both living the Gospel and striving for what's right, you can't go wrong. Yes, marriage is tough, there are ups and downs, but the only reason marriages fail is when people begin to think "me" instead of "us" and stop serving each other. To answer your question though... the way you know you've met someone with potential is that dating becomes easy and you're no longer analyzing. You have fun no matter what you do, and it's not hard or stressful, it just feels right. One of the things we did when we were seriously dating and considering marriage was we started praying together before we said good-bye at night. Anyway, I hope this helps! It would be fun to hear what everyone else said, so, if you can... send back your rough-draft :) If you have any other questions let me know.