Many people have asked why I've created this website. The short answer is I really needed it! Some time ago I was seriously considering marrying a girl who wanted to marry me, and I was very uncertain about how to make that decision. I knew we loved each other, and that our relationship had many strengths, but it also had many weaknesses and I didn't know how to decide if this relationship was "good enough" to quit looking for a better one or not.
I spent a great deal of time looking for sound counsel on this topic (surely such an important topic would have many good sources) but found very little helpful counsel, and the helpful counsel I did find wasn't consolidated anywhere. Over the last few years I've found many more good sources and wanted to make them available all in one place to others. And I've found counsel helpful to singles in other situations that I've also added. I hope this website is helpful to you, and I hope if you have any input you'll leave some comments!
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Should I marry this person? How do I know?
One of the toughest decisions in life can be choosing whom to marry. While in serious relationships I've struggled and wrestled many hours with this question, and this blog is a collection of the best advice I've found on this topic. I hope it's as helpful to you as it has been to me!
Quote #1 (President Gordon B. Hinckley):
"Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty. Determine that there will never be anything that will come between you that will disrupt your marriage. Make it work. Resolve to make it work. There is far too much of divorce, wherein hearts are broken and sometimes lives are destroyed. Be fiercely loyal one to another." (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2)
I used to not be very impressed by that quote - who would marry someone they couldn't give their entire heart, love, allegiance, and loyalty to? These conditions seemed necessary but not sufficient. With more age (and hopefully more wisdom) I've realized that for most of us there will be very few - perhaps only one or two - relationships that meet this test, and if a relationship meets this test it's time to move forward with marriage. I think that's what Pres. Hinckley was trying to communicate in the last sentence of this next quote that is very similar:
"I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don’t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision."
Quote #2 (Elder Richard G. Scott):
"There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home. An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood.
A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities.
I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife."
Quote #3: Family Proclamation
"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."
Quote #4: (Elder Dallin H. Oaks)
"In conclusion, I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through "hanging out" or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse's behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."
Quote #5 (John Bytheway):
John has spoken about the questions his Stake President asked John when John was seeking advice on whether he ought to marry the girl that became his bride. The questions were (no doubt there is some paraphrasing):
Is she a good person? And her family?
Are you happy together?
Does she have major emotional baggage?
Quote #6 (Elder Richard L. Evans or the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles)
"Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends." Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and "faithful, mature, trustworthy friends," can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed."
I believe too often in relationships we try to make the decision ourselves, without confiding adequately in trusted friends and family. Often this comes from an appropriate desire to keep many aspects of your relationship between you and your significant other. However, if you fail to confide in your friends and family you'll end up alone in making the decision, and that carries at least as many risks as choosing to confide sensitive things does.
Quote #7 (Dr. Brenley):
Is this person your best friend? Would you honestly rather be with them than anyone else, including long-standing friends of either gender? Does your prospective mate inspire you to be your best self?
Quote #8 (President Spencer W. Kimball)
"If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each toher more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have great happiness"
Quote #9 (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland):
"Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It’s been done before. Don’t give in. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. Cast not away therefore your confidence. Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you. [1999 – "Cast not away therefore your confidence"]
Quote #10 (President Ezra Taft Benson)
"Now, brethren, do not expect perfection in yourchoice of a mate. Do not be so particular that you overlook her most important qualities of having a strongtestimony, living the principles of the gospel, lovinghome, wanting to be a mother in Zion, and supportingyou in your priesthood responsibilities."Of course, she should be attractive to you, but do not just date one girl after another for the sole pleasureof dating without seeking the Lord’s confirmation inyour choice of your eternal companion."And one good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire toyour finest deeds, do you wish you were better thanyou are?" (in Conference Report, Apr. 1988, 58–59; orEnsign, May 1988, 51–53)
My thoughts:
One great test for me is to imagine her with someone else - how does that make you feel? I've never gone wrong with that test.
You can also look at the checklists that are posted elsewhere in this site, most of which come from 2 good books (First comes love and 300 questions)
Another great resource are two excellent talks: One by S. Michael Wilcox entitled "How Will I Know" and John Bytheway's "What I Wish I Had Known When I Was a Young Single Adult"
Two good questions Bro. Wilcox asks are: "Are you in love with a person, or a feeling?" and "Are your concerns specific ones of just general concern and hesitancy? The Lord deals in specifics in most cases."
The LDS Church manuals on Marriage and Family Relations are also good resources for information on how to make the decision.
A couple more bits of advice from me: Try hard not to put artificial timelines on making the decision like getting married by the end of the year or getting engaged before a long trip; you can't go on forever but trying to force it just doesn't work
If you've been undecided for many months consider seeing a counselor. I know that carries some taboos in our culture ("I don't need to see some shrink, I'm perfectly normal") but the reality is often an experienced relationship therapist can help you identify what you're feeling and why you're feeling it, and what things are keeping you from moving forward. Sometimes in a relationship you're blinded by love and struggle to see the forest for the trees, and a trusted friend or a therapist can help your vision clear.
Another question I often asked myself is if I might be happier with someone else? Fair question. I also have to remind myself of the follow up question - what makes someone happy? True happiness is who you've become not where you are or who you are. So the happiest combination in marriage is two people who are as Christ-like as can be and are as committed as possible to becoming as Christ-like as they can be. Of course you need that magical personality chemistry as well, but in terms of attributes that is the key one.
Quote #1 (President Gordon B. Hinckley):
"Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty. Determine that there will never be anything that will come between you that will disrupt your marriage. Make it work. Resolve to make it work. There is far too much of divorce, wherein hearts are broken and sometimes lives are destroyed. Be fiercely loyal one to another." (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2)
I used to not be very impressed by that quote - who would marry someone they couldn't give their entire heart, love, allegiance, and loyalty to? These conditions seemed necessary but not sufficient. With more age (and hopefully more wisdom) I've realized that for most of us there will be very few - perhaps only one or two - relationships that meet this test, and if a relationship meets this test it's time to move forward with marriage. I think that's what Pres. Hinckley was trying to communicate in the last sentence of this next quote that is very similar:
"I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don’t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision."
Quote #2 (Elder Richard G. Scott):
"There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home. An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood.
A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities.
I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife."
Quote #3: Family Proclamation
"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."
Quote #4: (Elder Dallin H. Oaks)
"In conclusion, I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through "hanging out" or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse's behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."
Quote #5 (John Bytheway):
John has spoken about the questions his Stake President asked John when John was seeking advice on whether he ought to marry the girl that became his bride. The questions were (no doubt there is some paraphrasing):
Is she a good person? And her family?
Are you happy together?
Does she have major emotional baggage?
Quote #6 (Elder Richard L. Evans or the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles)
"Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends." Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and "faithful, mature, trustworthy friends," can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed."
I believe too often in relationships we try to make the decision ourselves, without confiding adequately in trusted friends and family. Often this comes from an appropriate desire to keep many aspects of your relationship between you and your significant other. However, if you fail to confide in your friends and family you'll end up alone in making the decision, and that carries at least as many risks as choosing to confide sensitive things does.
Quote #7 (Dr. Brenley):
Is this person your best friend? Would you honestly rather be with them than anyone else, including long-standing friends of either gender? Does your prospective mate inspire you to be your best self?
Quote #8 (President Spencer W. Kimball)
"If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each toher more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have great happiness"
Quote #9 (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland):
"Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It’s been done before. Don’t give in. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. Cast not away therefore your confidence. Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you. [1999 – "Cast not away therefore your confidence"]
Quote #10 (President Ezra Taft Benson)
"Now, brethren, do not expect perfection in yourchoice of a mate. Do not be so particular that you overlook her most important qualities of having a strongtestimony, living the principles of the gospel, lovinghome, wanting to be a mother in Zion, and supportingyou in your priesthood responsibilities."Of course, she should be attractive to you, but do not just date one girl after another for the sole pleasureof dating without seeking the Lord’s confirmation inyour choice of your eternal companion."And one good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire toyour finest deeds, do you wish you were better thanyou are?" (in Conference Report, Apr. 1988, 58–59; orEnsign, May 1988, 51–53)
My thoughts:
One great test for me is to imagine her with someone else - how does that make you feel? I've never gone wrong with that test.
You can also look at the checklists that are posted elsewhere in this site, most of which come from 2 good books (First comes love and 300 questions)
Another great resource are two excellent talks: One by S. Michael Wilcox entitled "How Will I Know" and John Bytheway's "What I Wish I Had Known When I Was a Young Single Adult"
Two good questions Bro. Wilcox asks are: "Are you in love with a person, or a feeling?" and "Are your concerns specific ones of just general concern and hesitancy? The Lord deals in specifics in most cases."
The LDS Church manuals on Marriage and Family Relations are also good resources for information on how to make the decision.
A couple more bits of advice from me: Try hard not to put artificial timelines on making the decision like getting married by the end of the year or getting engaged before a long trip; you can't go on forever but trying to force it just doesn't work
If you've been undecided for many months consider seeing a counselor. I know that carries some taboos in our culture ("I don't need to see some shrink, I'm perfectly normal") but the reality is often an experienced relationship therapist can help you identify what you're feeling and why you're feeling it, and what things are keeping you from moving forward. Sometimes in a relationship you're blinded by love and struggle to see the forest for the trees, and a trusted friend or a therapist can help your vision clear.
Another question I often asked myself is if I might be happier with someone else? Fair question. I also have to remind myself of the follow up question - what makes someone happy? True happiness is who you've become not where you are or who you are. So the happiest combination in marriage is two people who are as Christ-like as can be and are as committed as possible to becoming as Christ-like as they can be. Of course you need that magical personality chemistry as well, but in terms of attributes that is the key one.
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Checklist of Useful Questions to Consider if You're Considering Marrying Someone
A Checklist of Questions to Consider from the relationship book "First Comes Love"
10 Keys to relationship success
1. Religion
2. Integrity / Honesty
3. Communication
4. Role Preferences
5. Family / Friends
6. Resolving conflicts
7. Financial management
8. Physical intimacy / children
9. Personality / Interests
10. Goals
Warning signs
1. A feeling of being hemmed in
2. A feeling of being obligated
3. Communication being strained
4. Inappropriate or excessive physical involvement
5. Increased conflict in relationship
6. Dishonesty in the relationship
7. A feeling that our needs are not being met
First comes Love checklists
Questions to consider:
• Are we better people when we are with each other? Do we bring out the best in each other? In what ways? How do we want to be better for each other?
• Do either of us want to date anyone else? In what ways are we committed to each other?
• In what ways to do we enjoy being with each other? Are our motivations healthy and nonphysical in nature? What types of activities do we enjoy doing together?
• In what ways are my partner’s needs as important as my own?
• Are we both free to be ourselves, or as a couple are we guarded with our conversations, sense of humor, behavior, etc.
• Am I prepared to marry the family of my prospective mate? Although you may think you are only marrying one person, you are indeed marrying the entire family. The parents of your partner will become the grandparents of your children.
• How do I presently treat my own parents and family members? What about my prospective spouse? How you treat family now is a good indicator of how you will treat your future spouse and children.
• How do we feel about each of us being the parent of our children? Will we both be the kind of mother or father that children will respect and follow?
• Does each of us accept the basic assumptions of the patriarchal order? Is he the type of priesthood holder you can trust? Will she counsel with you in righteousness? Will he love you as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it? Can we make decisions together?
• What will our destiny be as a couple? Will we set goals together and plan for the future? Do any of our goals clash? Can we see ourselves as companions twenty years down the road with a number of children?
• Do we feel that the Lord has confirmed our decision to marry? IN what ways?
• How have we prepared ourselves to receive an answer from the Spirit?
Red Flags
• Have extreme views on politics, gospel topics, religion, family, or world affairs?
• Encourage me to develop my own talents and skills, or do they want to keep me hidden in a closet away from the rest of the world?
• Allow me private time? Are they possessive in wanting to be with me all day, all the time, or do they encourage me to have my own interests, and my own life too?
• Allow me to spend time with my friends and family members, or are the jealous of that time? Do they like my friends? Are they threatened by my spending time with others?
• Compare me to past boyfriends or girlfriends?
• Take an interest in other people? Is he or she selfish? Does the world seem to revolve around them?
• Find fault with Church policies, leaders, or programs? Are they often critical or negative about the requirements of the gospel way of life? Is obedience to gospel principles an important priority in their life?
• Complain about spending time with my family? When they are with my family, do they enjoy that time building relationships with my family members, or do they hide in the corner watching TV or continually look at their watch? How do they relate to their own family members? Is there a good spirit in their home? Is everyone friendly with each others? People who come from dysfunctional families may have difficulties in their own families later on.
• Enjoy work, or do they complain about colleagues and supervisors? What about such character traits as honestly, morality, humility, or meekness?
• Critical of my appearance? Do they tell me that I need to lift weights, go jogging, or join a health club to lose some extra pounds? Do they make light of my weight or other bodily characteristics?
• Verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse me? Do they tear me down, and then try to recover a few days later as Mr. Nice Guy, promising me that their outburst will never happen again?
• Need to make major spiritual or emotional changes? Do they promise that these changes will occur after I marry them?
• Have a stable history of work, jobs, school, and missions? Are they responsible for their actions or is someone else always to blame?
• Have the same goals, dreams, and aspirations s I do?
• Have a sports addiction and I don't? Do they spend an excessive amount of time on the computer or the Internet?
Being the right person / areas to consider in compatibility:
• Intellect:
o College or equivalent training
o Plans for graduate studies
o Reading of uplifting material
o Study habits
o Grades attained
o Political views
o Language use / skills
o Continuing education
• Physical
o Appearance
o Sleep habits
o Balanced meals
o WofW
o Regular exercise
o Weight management
o Sports participation
• Emotional / Mental
o Attitudes and moods
o Emotional stability
o Self-motivation
o Personality traits
o Dependability
o Sense of humor
o Task completion
o Honesty
o Sensitivity to feelings of others
o Depression / anxiety
o Feelings of self-worth
• Spirituality
o Strength of testimony
o Patterns of prayer
o Scripture study
o Sabbath
o Tithing
o Service
o Attendance at church services
o Successful missionary service (male)
o Temple attendance
o Morality
o Obedience to laws
o Commitments to covenants and ordinances
o Magnification of callings
• Social Abilities
o Friendliness / outgoing qualities
o People skills
o Kindness / charity
o TV habits
o Music habits
o Video habits
o Manners
o Share interests
o Leadership skills
o Desire to be an effective parent
o Money management
o Family background
o current events awareness
o Care of possessions
o Attitude about wealth / possession
10 Keys to relationship success
1. Religion
2. Integrity / Honesty
3. Communication
4. Role Preferences
5. Family / Friends
6. Resolving conflicts
7. Financial management
8. Physical intimacy / children
9. Personality / Interests
10. Goals
Warning signs
1. A feeling of being hemmed in
2. A feeling of being obligated
3. Communication being strained
4. Inappropriate or excessive physical involvement
5. Increased conflict in relationship
6. Dishonesty in the relationship
7. A feeling that our needs are not being met
First comes Love checklists
Questions to consider:
• Are we better people when we are with each other? Do we bring out the best in each other? In what ways? How do we want to be better for each other?
• Do either of us want to date anyone else? In what ways are we committed to each other?
• In what ways to do we enjoy being with each other? Are our motivations healthy and nonphysical in nature? What types of activities do we enjoy doing together?
• In what ways are my partner’s needs as important as my own?
• Are we both free to be ourselves, or as a couple are we guarded with our conversations, sense of humor, behavior, etc.
• Am I prepared to marry the family of my prospective mate? Although you may think you are only marrying one person, you are indeed marrying the entire family. The parents of your partner will become the grandparents of your children.
• How do I presently treat my own parents and family members? What about my prospective spouse? How you treat family now is a good indicator of how you will treat your future spouse and children.
• How do we feel about each of us being the parent of our children? Will we both be the kind of mother or father that children will respect and follow?
• Does each of us accept the basic assumptions of the patriarchal order? Is he the type of priesthood holder you can trust? Will she counsel with you in righteousness? Will he love you as Christ loved the Church and gave Himself for it? Can we make decisions together?
• What will our destiny be as a couple? Will we set goals together and plan for the future? Do any of our goals clash? Can we see ourselves as companions twenty years down the road with a number of children?
• Do we feel that the Lord has confirmed our decision to marry? IN what ways?
• How have we prepared ourselves to receive an answer from the Spirit?
Red Flags
• Have extreme views on politics, gospel topics, religion, family, or world affairs?
• Encourage me to develop my own talents and skills, or do they want to keep me hidden in a closet away from the rest of the world?
• Allow me private time? Are they possessive in wanting to be with me all day, all the time, or do they encourage me to have my own interests, and my own life too?
• Allow me to spend time with my friends and family members, or are the jealous of that time? Do they like my friends? Are they threatened by my spending time with others?
• Compare me to past boyfriends or girlfriends?
• Take an interest in other people? Is he or she selfish? Does the world seem to revolve around them?
• Find fault with Church policies, leaders, or programs? Are they often critical or negative about the requirements of the gospel way of life? Is obedience to gospel principles an important priority in their life?
• Complain about spending time with my family? When they are with my family, do they enjoy that time building relationships with my family members, or do they hide in the corner watching TV or continually look at their watch? How do they relate to their own family members? Is there a good spirit in their home? Is everyone friendly with each others? People who come from dysfunctional families may have difficulties in their own families later on.
• Enjoy work, or do they complain about colleagues and supervisors? What about such character traits as honestly, morality, humility, or meekness?
• Critical of my appearance? Do they tell me that I need to lift weights, go jogging, or join a health club to lose some extra pounds? Do they make light of my weight or other bodily characteristics?
• Verbally, physically, or emotionally abuse me? Do they tear me down, and then try to recover a few days later as Mr. Nice Guy, promising me that their outburst will never happen again?
• Need to make major spiritual or emotional changes? Do they promise that these changes will occur after I marry them?
• Have a stable history of work, jobs, school, and missions? Are they responsible for their actions or is someone else always to blame?
• Have the same goals, dreams, and aspirations s I do?
• Have a sports addiction and I don't? Do they spend an excessive amount of time on the computer or the Internet?
Being the right person / areas to consider in compatibility:
• Intellect:
o College or equivalent training
o Plans for graduate studies
o Reading of uplifting material
o Study habits
o Grades attained
o Political views
o Language use / skills
o Continuing education
• Physical
o Appearance
o Sleep habits
o Balanced meals
o WofW
o Regular exercise
o Weight management
o Sports participation
• Emotional / Mental
o Attitudes and moods
o Emotional stability
o Self-motivation
o Personality traits
o Dependability
o Sense of humor
o Task completion
o Honesty
o Sensitivity to feelings of others
o Depression / anxiety
o Feelings of self-worth
• Spirituality
o Strength of testimony
o Patterns of prayer
o Scripture study
o Sabbath
o Tithing
o Service
o Attendance at church services
o Successful missionary service (male)
o Temple attendance
o Morality
o Obedience to laws
o Commitments to covenants and ordinances
o Magnification of callings
• Social Abilities
o Friendliness / outgoing qualities
o People skills
o Kindness / charity
o TV habits
o Music habits
o Video habits
o Manners
o Share interests
o Leadership skills
o Desire to be an effective parent
o Money management
o Family background
o current events awareness
o Care of possessions
o Attitude about wealth / possession
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Best Sources for Relationship Advice
Gospel and Romantic Love
Elder Scott's talk
Thomas B. Holman, Ensign 2002 September, Choosing and Being the Right Spouse
What I wish I had known as a young single adult
Both Church family manuals
My relationship books (First comes Love, How do I Know I'm in Love, 300 Questions)
Elder Scott's talk
Thomas B. Holman, Ensign 2002 September, Choosing and Being the Right Spouse
What I wish I had known as a young single adult
Both Church family manuals
My relationship books (First comes Love, How do I Know I'm in Love, 300 Questions)
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
Great Relationship Quotes
This website has some classics
http://www.quoty.org/tag/dating
RELATIONSHIP COROLLARIES 1. Can I be my own self in this relationship?2. Am I emotionally honest in expressing my affection?3. Are we friends first? Romance always follows, it never precedes friendship in a proper relationship.4. Are we entitled to the presence of the Holy Spirit in our relationship?5. Am I dating someone I already know I would never marry?6. Am I the person I know I am when in their presence? 7. Does being with them make me feel ennobled, that I can be better than I am?8. Am I being real in this relationship?9. Does this relationship allow me to express my needs and concerns in my own way?10. Is this relationship built on respect? CONCLUSION: Selecting an eternal companion is the freest decision we will ever make in mortality. It therefore requires the most effort in making the determination that we will then counsel with the Lord about. We need to bend every effort to learn if our potential companion is what and who we want eternally. Then, and only then, can you expect confirmation from the Lord concerning your decision. Author: Gerald R. Haddock, Source: BUILDING ETERNAL RELATIONSHIPS . BYU 3rd Ward, 15 March 1998 Saved by mlsscaress in love counsel effort respect marriage holyghost decision dating romance real true honest frienship enobled 5 months ago[save this] [permalink]
There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home. An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood. A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities.I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.Author: Richard G. Scott, Source: http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-19-11,00.htmlSaved by richardkmiller in children motherhood parenting perfection home marriage dating fatherhood 7 months ago[save this] [permalink]
I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don't go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.Author: Gordon B. Hinckley, Source: http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=1124Saved by richardkmiller in marriage dating courtship 8 months ago[save this] [permalink]
There is no separate Church for singles. There may be wards or branches or classes for singles, but we are all part of the same Church. There can be much joy in attending a singles ward—activities and parties and service projects and spiritual guidance. There are opportunities to bond with others with similar interests and age and to meet new friends. However, in this environment of possible future mates and with only a short window of time, some singles focus almost all their energy in a frenetic search for a husband or wife. Instead of enjoying this unique time to meet with others in a similar single situation, they become preoccupied by a nagging fear that marriage is escaping them. They become more frustrated and concerned with their single condition.You’re in the prime of your lives—no wrinkles, free discretionary time, and a world burgeoning with options and opportunity.Author: Dallin H. Oaks and Kristen M. Oaks, Source: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,538-1-4349-1,00.htmlSaved by richardkmiller in opportunity marriage dating single 9 months ago[save this] [permalink]
There are many in this stake who date and date but they are not sure if this is the right one the Lord wants for them. My opinion is that it is not the Lord's decision who we marry. It is our decision. Also, it is my belief that there is not just one person. If someone were to believe this then perhaps if there were any issues later on in marriage we may turn and blame the Lord for allowing us to make such a decision. Look for someone who is attractive to you and who is attracted to you. Look for someone who has the values and goals you hold and pursue that person.Author: President Baker - BYU 21st Stake President, Source: Stake Conference - Sat Session - 3, Nov 2007, Provo TabernacleSaved by mlsscaress in marriage decision dating seek one many 12 months ago[save this] [permalink]
I'm not perfect; I'll piss you off, say stupid things then take them back but put that all aside, and realize that you'll never find a girl who cares about you more than me.Author: Natalie B, Source: www.nexopia.comSaved by coocoocourtney in dating perfect not caring 1 year ago[save this] [permalink]
If the girl you're interested in doesn't inspire you to greater effort than you would undertake without knowing her, then you'd better look around and get another.Author: George Romney, Source: http://www.boston.com/news/politics/2008/specials/romney/articles/part1_main?mode=PFSaved by richardkmiller in marriage dating 1 year ago[save this] [permalink]
The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through "hanging out" or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse's behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.President Spencer W. Kimball taught: "Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage . . . means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all."Author: Dallin H. Oaks, Source: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-690-25,00.htmlSaved by richardkmiller in marriage dating 1 year ago[save this] [permalink]
In relationships we must remember that others are also children of our Heavenly Father. At the first of our marriage, my husband said quite often, "I didn't marry you for your looks." Finally I teased him a bit by saying, "That really doesn't sound too flattering." He explained what I really already knew, that this was intended to be the highest compliment he could give me. He said, "I love you for who you are intrinsically and eternally." The Lord said: "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; . . . for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). In families, friendships, dating, and marriage, we should value not just beauty and résumés, but rather character, good values, and each other's inherited divine natures.Author: Susan B. Tanner, Source: Heavenly Father knows you and loves you. You are His special daughter. He has a plan for you., General Young Women Meeting,March 24, 2007Saved by richardkmiller in character love dating beauty relationships 2 years ago[save this] [permalink]
As to the single men, I need merely to repeat the admonition attributed to Brigham Young, "Every man not married and over twenty-five is a menace to the community." I asked Dr. Lyman Tyler yesterday if he would document this for me, but he said he had been trying to document it for years; he had given up, so you will have to accept it either on faith, or as apocryphal.Author: Ernest L. Wilkinson, Source: Commencement Exercises May 31, 1963 BYU Speeches of the Year, p.1Saved by cboyack in marriage bachelor menacetosociety dating 2 years ago[save this] [permalink]
http://www.quoty.org/tag/dating
RELATIONSHIP COROLLARIES 1. Can I be my own self in this relationship?2. Am I emotionally honest in expressing my affection?3. Are we friends first? Romance always follows, it never precedes friendship in a proper relationship.4. Are we entitled to the presence of the Holy Spirit in our relationship?5. Am I dating someone I already know I would never marry?6. Am I the person I know I am when in their presence? 7. Does being with them make me feel ennobled, that I can be better than I am?8. Am I being real in this relationship?9. Does this relationship allow me to express my needs and concerns in my own way?10. Is this relationship built on respect? CONCLUSION: Selecting an eternal companion is the freest decision we will ever make in mortality. It therefore requires the most effort in making the determination that we will then counsel with the Lord about. We need to bend every effort to learn if our potential companion is what and who we want eternally. Then, and only then, can you expect confirmation from the Lord concerning your decision. Author: Gerald R. Haddock, Source: BUILDING ETERNAL RELATIONSHIPS . BYU 3rd Ward, 15 March 1998 Saved by mlsscaress in love counsel effort respect marriage holyghost decision dating romance real true honest frienship enobled 5 months ago[save this] [permalink]
There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home. An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood. A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities.I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.Author: Richard G. Scott, Source: http://www.lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-19-11,00.htmlSaved by richardkmiller in children motherhood parenting perfection home marriage dating fatherhood 7 months ago[save this] [permalink]
I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don't go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.Author: Gordon B. Hinckley, Source: http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=1124Saved by richardkmiller in marriage dating courtship 8 months ago[save this] [permalink]
There is no separate Church for singles. There may be wards or branches or classes for singles, but we are all part of the same Church. There can be much joy in attending a singles ward—activities and parties and service projects and spiritual guidance. There are opportunities to bond with others with similar interests and age and to meet new friends. However, in this environment of possible future mates and with only a short window of time, some singles focus almost all their energy in a frenetic search for a husband or wife. Instead of enjoying this unique time to meet with others in a similar single situation, they become preoccupied by a nagging fear that marriage is escaping them. They become more frustrated and concerned with their single condition.You’re in the prime of your lives—no wrinkles, free discretionary time, and a world burgeoning with options and opportunity.Author: Dallin H. Oaks and Kristen M. Oaks, Source: http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,538-1-4349-1,00.htmlSaved by richardkmiller in opportunity marriage dating single 9 months ago[save this] [permalink]
There are many in this stake who date and date but they are not sure if this is the right one the Lord wants for them. My opinion is that it is not the Lord's decision who we marry. It is our decision. Also, it is my belief that there is not just one person. If someone were to believe this then perhaps if there were any issues later on in marriage we may turn and blame the Lord for allowing us to make such a decision. Look for someone who is attractive to you and who is attracted to you. Look for someone who has the values and goals you hold and pursue that person.Author: President Baker - BYU 21st Stake President, Source: Stake Conference - Sat Session - 3, Nov 2007, Provo TabernacleSaved by mlsscaress in marriage decision dating seek one many 12 months ago[save this] [permalink]
I'm not perfect; I'll piss you off, say stupid things then take them back but put that all aside, and realize that you'll never find a girl who cares about you more than me.Author: Natalie B, Source: www.nexopia.comSaved by coocoocourtney in dating perfect not caring 1 year ago[save this] [permalink]
If the girl you're interested in doesn't inspire you to greater effort than you would undertake without knowing her, then you'd better look around and get another.Author: George Romney, Source: http://www.boston.com/news/politics/2008/specials/romney/articles/part1_main?mode=PFSaved by richardkmiller in marriage dating 1 year ago[save this] [permalink]
The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through "hanging out" or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse's behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection.President Spencer W. Kimball taught: "Two individuals approaching the marriage altar must realize that to attain the happy marriage which they hope for they must know that marriage . . . means sacrifice, sharing, and even a reduction of some personal liberties. It means long, hard economizing. It means children who bring with them financial burdens, service burdens, care and worry burdens; but also it means the deepest and sweetest emotions of all."Author: Dallin H. Oaks, Source: http://lds.org/conference/talk/display/0,5232,23-1-690-25,00.htmlSaved by richardkmiller in marriage dating 1 year ago[save this] [permalink]
In relationships we must remember that others are also children of our Heavenly Father. At the first of our marriage, my husband said quite often, "I didn't marry you for your looks." Finally I teased him a bit by saying, "That really doesn't sound too flattering." He explained what I really already knew, that this was intended to be the highest compliment he could give me. He said, "I love you for who you are intrinsically and eternally." The Lord said: "Look not on his countenance, or on the height of his stature; . . . for the Lord seeth not as man seeth; for man looketh on the outward appearance, but the Lord looketh on the heart" (1 Samuel 16:7). In families, friendships, dating, and marriage, we should value not just beauty and résumés, but rather character, good values, and each other's inherited divine natures.Author: Susan B. Tanner, Source: Heavenly Father knows you and loves you. You are His special daughter. He has a plan for you., General Young Women Meeting,March 24, 2007Saved by richardkmiller in character love dating beauty relationships 2 years ago[save this] [permalink]
As to the single men, I need merely to repeat the admonition attributed to Brigham Young, "Every man not married and over twenty-five is a menace to the community." I asked Dr. Lyman Tyler yesterday if he would document this for me, but he said he had been trying to document it for years; he had given up, so you will have to accept it either on faith, or as apocryphal.Author: Ernest L. Wilkinson, Source: Commencement Exercises May 31, 1963 BYU Speeches of the Year, p.1Saved by cboyack in marriage bachelor menacetosociety dating 2 years ago[save this] [permalink]
Tuesday, April 29, 2008
Article - Breaking up without going to pieces - Gawain Wells
Breaking Up without Going to Pieces:When Dating Doesn’t End in Marriage
By M. Gawain Wells
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=fe64aeca0ea6b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
M. Gawain Wells, “Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn’t End in Marriage,” Ensign, Jun 1982, 58–61
It feels good to invest in a relationship. To care. To want to share. To want to give.
If your dating relationship feels joyous and healthy, if both of you feel the Lord’s approval of your decision to marry, then the relationship “works,” and you marry. If it doesn’t work, you don’t marry. There is no third alternative.
However, many people assume there is a third alternative and try to keep the relationship alive when all signs of vitality have ceased. Both in my church callings and in my profession as a clinical psychologist, I have worked with people who cannot accept breaking up as a healthy part of the selection process of courtship. Instead, they see it as a time to punish themselves, to feel hurt, or even to try to hurt others.
The Lord has given us some important guidelines for relationships—and they apply to all relationships, including dating. We’re counseled to treat all people charitably and kindly, to forgive, and to love not only God and others but also ourselves.
By developing and exercising compassion, a person can—without unpleasantness or emotional devastation—end a dating relationship that needs to end, and turn the experience into an important step toward developing another relationship that does result in marriage.
Sometimes it’s better for two people not to marry each other. They would both be happier married to other people—it’s that simple. Perhaps they’ve formed a relationship for the wrong reasons. But even when the motives are right, a relationship still might not have that “spark” that impels both toward marriage. In such cases, breaking up is often the kindest alternative.
Breaking up may sometimes be a difficult and grieving process, but it doesn’t have to be dreadful. People can break up a dating relationship without going to pieces.
The biggest factor in determining the outcome of a relationship is following the inspiration of the Lord. If your association seems to pull you away from God, away from righteousness, away from prayer and scriptures, you need to evaluate its influence. Sometimes, too, people will want so badly for a courtship to work that they can’t hear the Lord’s messages because of their own desires.
Also important for a relationship to develop into a healthy marriage are communication and genuine interest in each other. One young man tried hard to fall in love with a young woman who had served in his mission. They both loved their mission experiences and the people of the country, but there was no “magic” in their relationship. They could talk about the Church and their missions, but not deeply about themselves.
The fellow hated to give up what he thought was a storybook situation, but he finally realized that the relationship wasn’t sufficient for marriage. He broke up with her and later met a young woman in a college class. They found they could talk for hours and not lose interest in each other. She was the one he married.
Probably one of the most ominous indications of a troubled dating relationship is that you begin to feel obligated. Of course, even excellent relationships are not free of obligation. But feeling obligated, feeling bound, is more than making the adjustments needed for a relationship to work. Things you should freely want to do for the other person become tasks you do only because you are expected to do them. You begin to resent the other person, and you want to put distance between you. The relationship is no longer enjoyable and comfortable. It’s being Serious, with a capital letter. Conversations are “heavy,” with much frustration, anxious searching of your feelings, and perhaps a series of phone calls that start out, “I have to talk to you!”
And then you begin to test each other. A fellow might say to himself, “If she really likes me, she’ll be glad to go with me, even if I’m calling half an hour before the party.” Or, “If he loves me, he will do what I want.” So you start trying to manipulate each other; and in your insecurity, you try to control each other’s responses. “Do you enjoy being with me as much as I enjoy being with you?”
Another symptom of deep problems in a dating relationship is an inability to communicate on the same level. Sometimes you’ll feel you have a great deal to say but can’t talk because you feel the other person won’t understand, or will misunderstand. You become afraid to say what you honestly feel and think. Similarly, a couple’s physical attraction to one another may mask an inability to communicate. Some couples may know how to kiss but don’t know how to talk to each other. For them, the physical aspect of their relationship is something they fall back on to avoid developing caring and communication.
Some people also use physical affection as a measure of the progress of the relationship—and that’s a false and irrelevant measurement. A girl might think, “If he holds my hand, it means he likes me.” Or, “If he puts his arm around me, that means he likes me more.” But those gestures might mean nothing of the sort. In fact, a too-quick development of such gestures may lead to inappropriate expressions of affection and thus damage a healthy relationship. If a courtship is based largely on physical affection, you probably need to evaluate its stability.
Still another indication of a troubled relationship is a feeling of emotional starvation, of being emotionally drained. This could be because of a lack of appropriate affection in the relationship, or perhaps because one person is “using” another in an unhealthy way.
One person in a dating relationship might “use” another in the way fellows used an extremely attractive young woman who was in my campus ward when I was a bishop. On dates she felt more like a boutonniere than a person—she was someone men “wore” but not someone they wanted to understand and cherish. Another young woman in the ward found that after she was chosen as homecoming queen, the quality of her dates declined dramatically; men were no longer interested in her as a person but only as a status symbol. In both cases, these young women found it difficult to establish genuine, deep relationships.
Sometimes a person enters a relationship with the mistaken notion (I call it a “rescue complex”) that he or she can “save” the other. An extreme example of this was one woman who married a man because he threatened suicide if she didn’t marry him. That marriage ended in divorce.
A more common situation might be for a man to see a woman who’s been jilted and to say to himself, “She’s so sweet and wounded, and I’m going to heal her broken heart.” Or a woman with strong, warm mothering instincts may meet a misfit fellow who’s in the middle of an identity crisis and vow to save him from himself. In the process, she deliberately blinds herself to all of the differences in their values.
What’s wrong with relationships like these is that they put unfair responsibility and demands on one person to make the relationship work. They don’t allow for a healthy role-shifting in which both partners can look to each other for support and strength.
Another wrong reason for developing or perpetuating a relationship is to avoid causing problems in a family or social network. Sometimes a dating couple builds up such a comfortable social network that their relationship is the worst part of what otherwise is a very pleasant situation. In this case they need to recognize that even if their parents or friends hope they’ll marry, it’s the couple’s relationship that ultimately matters.
Some couples may argue that they received a spiritual confirmation of their relationship. Why, then, didn’t it work out? It’s possible, of course, that you wanted so badly for it to work out that you misinterpreted spiritual feelings and, in essence, put words in God’s mouth. But there’s another possibility: People change. Though the dating relationship was right at one time, it isn’t anymore. The spiritual confirmation could have been an assurance of the relationship’s capacity, its possibility, its potential. But it wasn’t a guarantee of ultimate fruit.
Once you’ve decided the relationship is not going to work out, how do you kindly let someone know you’re serious about ending the dating relationship?
The most important thing is to communicate, compassionately, clearly what you mean. Often one person will want the other to get the message without its being clearly stated, which may mean that the person who wants to break up isn’t facing his real feelings. When you’ve cared deeply enough to date seriously, of course you shouldn’t want to hurt the other person. But that’s no reason for giving an unclear or indefinite message. Otherwise, the other person may accept only a change in the relationship, still hoping for eventual marriage.
It isn’t compassionate to try to sever a relationship slowly if you’ve already made up your mind. The other person won’t gradually get the message by your disinterest. If you’re trying to break up slowly, it’s possible that you’re mistaking your desire to not hurt the person for an excuse to be dishonest about your own feelings.
Since relationships can’t change from romance to friendship in a day or a week, it may be unrealistic and even hurtful for the two of you to spend much time together once the decision has been made. The person who initiated the break-up may be thinking, “Isn’t it civilized and nice that we can be friends?” But the other will be secretly hoping for the friendship to develop back into a romance. And if the romance can never be revived, feelings will be hurt even more deeply.
Almost always, one of you will be hurt more than the other when the relationship breaks up. If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, you may think it’s understandable that you defend yourself by denigrating or criticizing the other person. Actually, it’s a way of running from reality, and it’s a childish and defensive gesture. Whatever has not worked out, the Lord requires that we forgive all people—and this commandment is as true in a dating relationship as in any other. Bitterness is never the right solution.
People can tell you plenty of superficial ways to get over a broken relationship. They might suggest taking up golf, getting yourself back into social circulation, or looking critically at the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. But the grief of an ended relationship can be as real and as intense as grief following the death of someone you’ve loved. So it’s important to let yourself work through the grief process.
You may have to be willing to mourn, to let yourself down into your feelings. Grieving can be a way of accepting the end, of letting the separation come. But you have to realize that those feelings will pass, and that no matter how much it hurts, you’re going to live through it. Racing out and involving yourself frenetically in other activities won’t block it out of your mind.
At the same time, you mustn’t perform an endless postmortem on the relationship. By continually asking yourself what you did wrong or what would have happened if you’d done things differently, you keep your wounded feelings alive. Similarly, indulging yourself in what I call a “pity party” is a cruel way of hurting yourself. It won’t help to deliberately humiliate yourself with a list of your failures, as though reliving your real or imagined failures can keep them from happening again.
One college student worked through the grief of a broken relationship by listening to music in the living room of his apartment after his roommates went to bed. He listened to the same album over and over, every night, and allowed himself to mourn.
Finally one day he looked in the mirror and said to himself, “It’s dead. It’s over. It’s never going to work. And I’m not going to try to make it work anymore. I’m not going to go on believing it’s going to work. It is done. I still have feelings for her, but I am going to go on living.”
For about three days he had to repeat that to himself. He’d be driving in his car and start to mourn again, and he’d look in his rear-view mirror and say, “It’s over.” And for him, it was over.
Remember, the Lord can give you solace in your pain. His peace can come through your family, your friends, service, prayer, fasting, scripture reading. You may find considerable relief and insight from writing in your personal journal about the relationship. And perhaps a loving Church leader can help you work through this difficult time.
It’s important that you not try to build happiness on the pretended misery of the person you have left behind. Some people carry this to a tragic extreme by not only dating but actually marrying someone else in an effort to make a former boyfriend or girlfriend miserable or jealous. They’re thinking, “I’ll show her,” or “I’ll show him,” without giving serious thought to the feelings of the person they’re actually marrying.
This was the case with a young private I knew in the Army. He had fallen in love with a girl, but her father wouldn’t let her marry him, and she wouldn’t run away with him to get married. So the fellow married another girl—one he didn’t love and wasn’t happy with. Joining the Army and seeking assignments where he couldn’t take a family with him were his ways of running away from the rebound marriage.
While you may learn valuable lessons from failed relationships, it’s not necessary to impute further meaning to the break-up. That is, I don’t believe the Lord intends you to be hurt again and again for the sake of “learning experiences.” I believe that He wants you to know the joy that comes from understanding, trusting, and loving someone in an honest, giving relationship. Hopefully, you can learn what is valuable from the experience without punishing yourself or seeing the experience as punishment.
While you might be able to look to past relationships for lessons about life, others, or yourself, don’t overlook the positive aspect of learning to better appreciate the depth and quality of a relationship you hope to make eternal. A man who thinks he wants a wife who plays the piano may find that while musical skills are important, what he really wants is a wife with whom he can share and enjoy life—someone he can talk to. Personal qualities are much more important than skills.
It helps not to look at dating as an end in itself. Some people become quite adept at dating skills, but have never considered and prepared themselves for the intimate and hopefully eternal commitments of marriage.
You may find that the best preparation you can make for marriage is to learn to love God and to love yourself. When you have a secure, spiritual knowledge of yourself as a child of God, you will find a sense of personal confidence and identity that makes a good relationship possible.
Like some people, you may find that you need to learn to be more honest and vulnerable in a relationship, and that you need to learn to believe in your own lovableness. As you develop those abilities, the love in your relationship can be sustained by a mutual conviction that you are loved by each other.
Then you can know the delight of being trusted with one another’s ideas and feelings. And you can know the joyous, awesome capacity to give that comes with loving.
Notes
Gawain Wells, a clinical psychologist and father of six children, teaches Sunday School in his Provo, Utah, ward.
By M. Gawain Wells
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=fe64aeca0ea6b010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=1
M. Gawain Wells, “Breaking Up without Going to Pieces: When Dating Doesn’t End in Marriage,” Ensign, Jun 1982, 58–61
It feels good to invest in a relationship. To care. To want to share. To want to give.
If your dating relationship feels joyous and healthy, if both of you feel the Lord’s approval of your decision to marry, then the relationship “works,” and you marry. If it doesn’t work, you don’t marry. There is no third alternative.
However, many people assume there is a third alternative and try to keep the relationship alive when all signs of vitality have ceased. Both in my church callings and in my profession as a clinical psychologist, I have worked with people who cannot accept breaking up as a healthy part of the selection process of courtship. Instead, they see it as a time to punish themselves, to feel hurt, or even to try to hurt others.
The Lord has given us some important guidelines for relationships—and they apply to all relationships, including dating. We’re counseled to treat all people charitably and kindly, to forgive, and to love not only God and others but also ourselves.
By developing and exercising compassion, a person can—without unpleasantness or emotional devastation—end a dating relationship that needs to end, and turn the experience into an important step toward developing another relationship that does result in marriage.
Sometimes it’s better for two people not to marry each other. They would both be happier married to other people—it’s that simple. Perhaps they’ve formed a relationship for the wrong reasons. But even when the motives are right, a relationship still might not have that “spark” that impels both toward marriage. In such cases, breaking up is often the kindest alternative.
Breaking up may sometimes be a difficult and grieving process, but it doesn’t have to be dreadful. People can break up a dating relationship without going to pieces.
The biggest factor in determining the outcome of a relationship is following the inspiration of the Lord. If your association seems to pull you away from God, away from righteousness, away from prayer and scriptures, you need to evaluate its influence. Sometimes, too, people will want so badly for a courtship to work that they can’t hear the Lord’s messages because of their own desires.
Also important for a relationship to develop into a healthy marriage are communication and genuine interest in each other. One young man tried hard to fall in love with a young woman who had served in his mission. They both loved their mission experiences and the people of the country, but there was no “magic” in their relationship. They could talk about the Church and their missions, but not deeply about themselves.
The fellow hated to give up what he thought was a storybook situation, but he finally realized that the relationship wasn’t sufficient for marriage. He broke up with her and later met a young woman in a college class. They found they could talk for hours and not lose interest in each other. She was the one he married.
Probably one of the most ominous indications of a troubled dating relationship is that you begin to feel obligated. Of course, even excellent relationships are not free of obligation. But feeling obligated, feeling bound, is more than making the adjustments needed for a relationship to work. Things you should freely want to do for the other person become tasks you do only because you are expected to do them. You begin to resent the other person, and you want to put distance between you. The relationship is no longer enjoyable and comfortable. It’s being Serious, with a capital letter. Conversations are “heavy,” with much frustration, anxious searching of your feelings, and perhaps a series of phone calls that start out, “I have to talk to you!”
And then you begin to test each other. A fellow might say to himself, “If she really likes me, she’ll be glad to go with me, even if I’m calling half an hour before the party.” Or, “If he loves me, he will do what I want.” So you start trying to manipulate each other; and in your insecurity, you try to control each other’s responses. “Do you enjoy being with me as much as I enjoy being with you?”
Another symptom of deep problems in a dating relationship is an inability to communicate on the same level. Sometimes you’ll feel you have a great deal to say but can’t talk because you feel the other person won’t understand, or will misunderstand. You become afraid to say what you honestly feel and think. Similarly, a couple’s physical attraction to one another may mask an inability to communicate. Some couples may know how to kiss but don’t know how to talk to each other. For them, the physical aspect of their relationship is something they fall back on to avoid developing caring and communication.
Some people also use physical affection as a measure of the progress of the relationship—and that’s a false and irrelevant measurement. A girl might think, “If he holds my hand, it means he likes me.” Or, “If he puts his arm around me, that means he likes me more.” But those gestures might mean nothing of the sort. In fact, a too-quick development of such gestures may lead to inappropriate expressions of affection and thus damage a healthy relationship. If a courtship is based largely on physical affection, you probably need to evaluate its stability.
Still another indication of a troubled relationship is a feeling of emotional starvation, of being emotionally drained. This could be because of a lack of appropriate affection in the relationship, or perhaps because one person is “using” another in an unhealthy way.
One person in a dating relationship might “use” another in the way fellows used an extremely attractive young woman who was in my campus ward when I was a bishop. On dates she felt more like a boutonniere than a person—she was someone men “wore” but not someone they wanted to understand and cherish. Another young woman in the ward found that after she was chosen as homecoming queen, the quality of her dates declined dramatically; men were no longer interested in her as a person but only as a status symbol. In both cases, these young women found it difficult to establish genuine, deep relationships.
Sometimes a person enters a relationship with the mistaken notion (I call it a “rescue complex”) that he or she can “save” the other. An extreme example of this was one woman who married a man because he threatened suicide if she didn’t marry him. That marriage ended in divorce.
A more common situation might be for a man to see a woman who’s been jilted and to say to himself, “She’s so sweet and wounded, and I’m going to heal her broken heart.” Or a woman with strong, warm mothering instincts may meet a misfit fellow who’s in the middle of an identity crisis and vow to save him from himself. In the process, she deliberately blinds herself to all of the differences in their values.
What’s wrong with relationships like these is that they put unfair responsibility and demands on one person to make the relationship work. They don’t allow for a healthy role-shifting in which both partners can look to each other for support and strength.
Another wrong reason for developing or perpetuating a relationship is to avoid causing problems in a family or social network. Sometimes a dating couple builds up such a comfortable social network that their relationship is the worst part of what otherwise is a very pleasant situation. In this case they need to recognize that even if their parents or friends hope they’ll marry, it’s the couple’s relationship that ultimately matters.
Some couples may argue that they received a spiritual confirmation of their relationship. Why, then, didn’t it work out? It’s possible, of course, that you wanted so badly for it to work out that you misinterpreted spiritual feelings and, in essence, put words in God’s mouth. But there’s another possibility: People change. Though the dating relationship was right at one time, it isn’t anymore. The spiritual confirmation could have been an assurance of the relationship’s capacity, its possibility, its potential. But it wasn’t a guarantee of ultimate fruit.
Once you’ve decided the relationship is not going to work out, how do you kindly let someone know you’re serious about ending the dating relationship?
The most important thing is to communicate, compassionately, clearly what you mean. Often one person will want the other to get the message without its being clearly stated, which may mean that the person who wants to break up isn’t facing his real feelings. When you’ve cared deeply enough to date seriously, of course you shouldn’t want to hurt the other person. But that’s no reason for giving an unclear or indefinite message. Otherwise, the other person may accept only a change in the relationship, still hoping for eventual marriage.
It isn’t compassionate to try to sever a relationship slowly if you’ve already made up your mind. The other person won’t gradually get the message by your disinterest. If you’re trying to break up slowly, it’s possible that you’re mistaking your desire to not hurt the person for an excuse to be dishonest about your own feelings.
Since relationships can’t change from romance to friendship in a day or a week, it may be unrealistic and even hurtful for the two of you to spend much time together once the decision has been made. The person who initiated the break-up may be thinking, “Isn’t it civilized and nice that we can be friends?” But the other will be secretly hoping for the friendship to develop back into a romance. And if the romance can never be revived, feelings will be hurt even more deeply.
Almost always, one of you will be hurt more than the other when the relationship breaks up. If you’ve been hurt in a relationship, you may think it’s understandable that you defend yourself by denigrating or criticizing the other person. Actually, it’s a way of running from reality, and it’s a childish and defensive gesture. Whatever has not worked out, the Lord requires that we forgive all people—and this commandment is as true in a dating relationship as in any other. Bitterness is never the right solution.
People can tell you plenty of superficial ways to get over a broken relationship. They might suggest taking up golf, getting yourself back into social circulation, or looking critically at the ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend. But the grief of an ended relationship can be as real and as intense as grief following the death of someone you’ve loved. So it’s important to let yourself work through the grief process.
You may have to be willing to mourn, to let yourself down into your feelings. Grieving can be a way of accepting the end, of letting the separation come. But you have to realize that those feelings will pass, and that no matter how much it hurts, you’re going to live through it. Racing out and involving yourself frenetically in other activities won’t block it out of your mind.
At the same time, you mustn’t perform an endless postmortem on the relationship. By continually asking yourself what you did wrong or what would have happened if you’d done things differently, you keep your wounded feelings alive. Similarly, indulging yourself in what I call a “pity party” is a cruel way of hurting yourself. It won’t help to deliberately humiliate yourself with a list of your failures, as though reliving your real or imagined failures can keep them from happening again.
One college student worked through the grief of a broken relationship by listening to music in the living room of his apartment after his roommates went to bed. He listened to the same album over and over, every night, and allowed himself to mourn.
Finally one day he looked in the mirror and said to himself, “It’s dead. It’s over. It’s never going to work. And I’m not going to try to make it work anymore. I’m not going to go on believing it’s going to work. It is done. I still have feelings for her, but I am going to go on living.”
For about three days he had to repeat that to himself. He’d be driving in his car and start to mourn again, and he’d look in his rear-view mirror and say, “It’s over.” And for him, it was over.
Remember, the Lord can give you solace in your pain. His peace can come through your family, your friends, service, prayer, fasting, scripture reading. You may find considerable relief and insight from writing in your personal journal about the relationship. And perhaps a loving Church leader can help you work through this difficult time.
It’s important that you not try to build happiness on the pretended misery of the person you have left behind. Some people carry this to a tragic extreme by not only dating but actually marrying someone else in an effort to make a former boyfriend or girlfriend miserable or jealous. They’re thinking, “I’ll show her,” or “I’ll show him,” without giving serious thought to the feelings of the person they’re actually marrying.
This was the case with a young private I knew in the Army. He had fallen in love with a girl, but her father wouldn’t let her marry him, and she wouldn’t run away with him to get married. So the fellow married another girl—one he didn’t love and wasn’t happy with. Joining the Army and seeking assignments where he couldn’t take a family with him were his ways of running away from the rebound marriage.
While you may learn valuable lessons from failed relationships, it’s not necessary to impute further meaning to the break-up. That is, I don’t believe the Lord intends you to be hurt again and again for the sake of “learning experiences.” I believe that He wants you to know the joy that comes from understanding, trusting, and loving someone in an honest, giving relationship. Hopefully, you can learn what is valuable from the experience without punishing yourself or seeing the experience as punishment.
While you might be able to look to past relationships for lessons about life, others, or yourself, don’t overlook the positive aspect of learning to better appreciate the depth and quality of a relationship you hope to make eternal. A man who thinks he wants a wife who plays the piano may find that while musical skills are important, what he really wants is a wife with whom he can share and enjoy life—someone he can talk to. Personal qualities are much more important than skills.
It helps not to look at dating as an end in itself. Some people become quite adept at dating skills, but have never considered and prepared themselves for the intimate and hopefully eternal commitments of marriage.
You may find that the best preparation you can make for marriage is to learn to love God and to love yourself. When you have a secure, spiritual knowledge of yourself as a child of God, you will find a sense of personal confidence and identity that makes a good relationship possible.
Like some people, you may find that you need to learn to be more honest and vulnerable in a relationship, and that you need to learn to believe in your own lovableness. As you develop those abilities, the love in your relationship can be sustained by a mutual conviction that you are loved by each other.
Then you can know the delight of being trusted with one another’s ideas and feelings. And you can know the joyous, awesome capacity to give that comes with loving.
Notes
Gawain Wells, a clinical psychologist and father of six children, teaches Sunday School in his Provo, Utah, ward.
Article - Getting Past the Hurt
http://www.lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?vgnextoid=2354fccf2b7db010VgnVCM1000004d82620aRCRD&locale=0&sourceId=825de2270ed6c010VgnVCM1000004d82620a____&hideNav=true
Getting Past the Hurt
By Robert F. Williams
Robert F. Williams, “Getting Past the Hurt,” Ensign, Jul 2006, 28–33
How does one cope when a dating relationship ends?
Jared (all names have been changed) came to my office in a depressed state. He had been referred to my clinical psychology practice by his bishop because he had been unable to function in his college classes and had been struggling with doubts about whether his life was worth living. The truth was, Jared was brokenhearted when his fiancée, Christy, ended their relationship because she was interested in another young man.
“Without her, nothing seems worthwhile,” Jared told me. “She was my happiness. The pain feels like it will go on forever. I think about her every day and remember every moment we had together.”
When Christy broke their engagement, Jared thought it meant he was a failure and that no woman would want him with all his deficiencies. Like many who are abandoned in a relationship, he assumed all of the responsibility and blame without considering Christy’s weaknesses too.
Another client, Carla, experienced similar feelings. After a long series of hurtful events, she finally had been able to end a painful and sometimes abusive relationship.
“At first I was relieved, but now I feel depressed,” she said. “I cry, but it doesn’t help. I want to go back to Roy, but everyone says I shouldn’t. No one seems to understand what I’m going through.”
Carla knew Roy had habits that were incompatible with her values, and sometimes he had frightened her with his stormy moods. But she had been confident that he would respond to her love and the strength of her commitment to him. Besides, Roy was so loving and apologetic when he upset her that she believed she needed only to wait patiently for him to change. Instead, as their relationship became more serious, Roy became increasingly critical, angry, and abusive. When Carla at last ended the relationship, she was surprised at the intensity of her sadness.
Why does it hurt so much when a serious relationship is lost? Why is it so hard to get over, even when we know it is really for the best?
In the Premortal Realm
To better understand, think for a moment about your experience in the premortal realm. In that world of spirits, it was not possible for you to be sealed to an eternal companion. Eternal marriage requires the union of two souls—and the soul is made up of both a spiritual and a physical body (see D&C 88:15). And so our Heavenly Father, to help fulfill His purpose “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39), ensured that the earth would be a place where His spirit children, endowed with mortal bodies, could be sealed to a companion in the new and everlasting covenant and continue their eternal progression toward godhood.
Thus, in mortality, each of our Heavenly Father’s sons carries a divinely inspired longing for a bond of attachment to one of His daughters, and likewise, each of His daughters carries within her a yearning for the same fulfillment with one of His sons.
The Pain of Mourning
Yet the potential for this great joy also brings with it the potential for pain when the hope of this fulfillment is disappointed. The experience of having a loving relationship with another person is exciting and wonderful, but the loss of that relationship can be devastating.
This loss can be particularly painful when one has relied excessively upon the other person for a sense of identity and worth. Carla said of her experience: “With Roy I felt like I was really somebody, but without him I don’t know what to do or even who I am. When he was good to me I wanted to devote my life just to being there for him. But even when he was mean, I still felt that I was special to him, and that made me feel like I mattered. Now that we’ve broken up, I don’t seem to have any life of my own at all.”
Carla had been absorbed by this unhealthy relationship and had virtually given up her own identity. Without the relationship, she felt worthless and lost. Her resolve wavered, especially when Roy urged her to come back and promised that things would be different. It was hard for her to remember how hurtful the relationship had been, and her friends sometimes had to remind her of the unhappiness and fear that led her to break it off.
Surviving the Loss
How does one survive the loss of a serious relationship? Three factors can help us overcome any painful loss or misfortune: 1
The first is a personal commitment to finding meaningful purpose in life. When you are actively engaged in a sincere search for an understanding of the meaning and purpose of life, you are also in the process of developing the strength to cope with stress and disappointment. As members of the Lord’s Church, we are blessed to have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, which explains the Lord’s plan of happiness and gives direction to our lives, meaning to our experience, and purpose in our struggles. As we commit ourselves to faith in the plans and purposes of God, we learn to endure the pain of life’s disappointments, and we are buoyed up by the eternal perspective of the covenants He has made with us.
The second factor is a belief in one’s ability to influence one’s surroundings and the outcome of events. In a gospel context, this means that we develop emotional strength when we add works to our faith, believing that through our labors we can make a positive difference in our own behalf and in behalf of others. The gospel teaches that our efforts, when coupled with faith in God, can help us overcome trials and afflictions and can bring about much good. “For the power is in them,” says the Lord, “wherein they are agents unto themselves” (D&C 58:28). Thus, as we devote ourselves to the service of God and our fellow beings, we are endowed with “power from on high” (D&C 20:8), we realize that we can accomplish many things of great worth, and we find comfort against the sorrows of mortality. We also develop confidence in our ability to make ourselves happy, and we learn that we do not have to wait for someone else to do so.
The third factor is a belief that one can learn and grow from both positive and negative life experiences. This essential principle is plainly evident in God’s teachings to His children. For example, in a profound statement to the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord lists the calamities that had befallen or could befall the Prophet and then emphasizes that even these hardships can benefit him: “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” (D&C 122:7–8).
Here the Lord teaches that our mortal suffering, in some degree like the suffering of the Savior himself, can have significant purpose, meaning, and value that can enhance our growth and our development toward godhood.
Steps toward Recovery
One can take positive steps toward recovering from the loss of a serious relationship. The first is to recognize that such a loss can be similar to the bereavement we experience at the death of a loved one. Minimizing the loss—that is, telling yourself, “It’s not that big a deal; I should just get over it”—will not help.
It is also important to realize that the loss of a relationship involves multiple additional losses, such as loss of contact with other valued people and loss of enjoyable activities shared with the other person. Even more painful is the loss of “what might have been”—the loss of the life we expected to have and the plans we hoped would become reality.
Healing from such a loss comes in stages as we work through painful feelings. It would be a comfort, perhaps, to believe that “every day I’ll feel a little better,” but the truth is that grief often comes in great rolling waves of emotion. Just when we thought we were getting over it, a seemingly insignificant reminder of the lost love may trigger painful feelings with unexpected intensity. Over time, the frequency and intensity of these spikes of emotion will diminish, but sharp pangs of grief may still be felt even months afterward. Try to be patient with your own grieving process, and acknowledge that the day will come when you will feel better.
In the meantime, consider the following tips:
• If someone says something like, “I don’t want to be tied down,” “I’m not ready for a relationship,” or “I can’t make that commitment,” believe it. Remember that your love alone is not enough to make a good relationship. You can choose to be loving, but you cannot choose to be loved.
• Realize that you are not really alone and that isolating yourself won’t help. Instead, look to the supportive relationships in your life for comfort and reassurance.
• Seek spiritual guidance and counsel from your bishop. His inspired counsel can help alleviate doubt and distress.
• Ask your father, your bishop, or another worthy priesthood holder for a priesthood blessing. A blessing can reassure you of the Lord’s love and concern for you.
• Remember that when your feelings are most poignant and tender, you are also likely to be humble and susceptible to the Spirit. This is the time to appeal to the Lord in prayer. “Cast thy burden upon the Lord,” wrote the Psalmist, “and he shall sustain thee” (Ps. 55:22).
• If you are endowed, visit the temple seeking to understand the Lord’s perspective on you and your life. Honor the Lord’s house as a place of contemplation, serenity, and inspiration.
• Remember that the Lord has known you from the beginning and has a plan for your happiness. Seek to better understand that plan and to allow yourself to accomplish His purposes for you.
• Keep a regular schedule during the day, and make plans for evenings, weekends, and holidays. When you are hurting or depressed, unstructured time is usually unproductive.
• Stay involved in activities, and don’t be afraid to start something new and interesting. Take a class, join a new group, begin an exercise program, or take up an outdoor activity.
• Give yourself some time as an unattached person. Avoid rushing into a new relationship to protect yourself from the pain of the old one.
• Let go of your souvenirs of the past relationship. Don’t build a shrine to the memory of what has been lost. And stay away from romantic places you used to visit.
• Keep a “feelings journal.” Writing about your experiences obliges you to organize and make sense of your thoughts and feelings instead of repeatedly reexperiencing the same confusion and distress. Writing in this journal can also be a solace at times when you are alone in your mourning.
• Share your feelings with a person you trust. Talking to someone helps you avoid acting in ways that can be self-destructive, such as taking excessive or dangerous risks or making unwise decisions.
• If you have followed these suggestions but are still not making progress, you may want to consider talking with an experienced professional counselor. Your bishop can help refer you to a counselor with high standards and values consistent with Church teachings.
Experiencing Recovery
For Jared, recovery from heartbreak began when he took the risk of sharing his grief with those who had offered their support. It was especially difficult for him to share his feelings with his mother, but he was surprised when she opened up to him and shared the feelings of loneliness and isolation she had experienced as a single parent. In addition, Jared found a “feelings journal” to be particularly useful because it helped him work through his complex emotions and make note of his progress. Eventually he felt ready to risk involving himself in another relationship, and he found that he had more confidence in his relationship skills.
Carla had a more difficult time. Despite her sad experience with Roy, she quickly became involved in a similar relationship with another man in the hope of soothing her distress over the breakup. When this relationship also failed, she was again overwhelmed with painful feelings. Carla’s recovery began when she allowed herself to fully experience these emotions rather than running away from them. She discovered that this experience required her to trust in the Lord’s ability to assist her in bearing the burden of pain she had believed was beyond her capacity to endure. As she did so, she developed a greater testimony of the Atonement and a greater faith in the Savior’s willingness to comfort those in distress.
Our Bond with Jesus Christ
Carla also learned that much of our deep need for attachment can be fulfilled when we enjoy the companionship of the Holy Ghost. If we live according to our covenants, we are blessed with a feeling of closeness to the Savior and peace with the life He has given us. With His help we are able to overcome feelings of grief, loss, weakness, and failure, and we can again live in blessed harmony with ourselves and those around us.
Getting Past the Hurt
By Robert F. Williams
Robert F. Williams, “Getting Past the Hurt,” Ensign, Jul 2006, 28–33
How does one cope when a dating relationship ends?
Jared (all names have been changed) came to my office in a depressed state. He had been referred to my clinical psychology practice by his bishop because he had been unable to function in his college classes and had been struggling with doubts about whether his life was worth living. The truth was, Jared was brokenhearted when his fiancée, Christy, ended their relationship because she was interested in another young man.
“Without her, nothing seems worthwhile,” Jared told me. “She was my happiness. The pain feels like it will go on forever. I think about her every day and remember every moment we had together.”
When Christy broke their engagement, Jared thought it meant he was a failure and that no woman would want him with all his deficiencies. Like many who are abandoned in a relationship, he assumed all of the responsibility and blame without considering Christy’s weaknesses too.
Another client, Carla, experienced similar feelings. After a long series of hurtful events, she finally had been able to end a painful and sometimes abusive relationship.
“At first I was relieved, but now I feel depressed,” she said. “I cry, but it doesn’t help. I want to go back to Roy, but everyone says I shouldn’t. No one seems to understand what I’m going through.”
Carla knew Roy had habits that were incompatible with her values, and sometimes he had frightened her with his stormy moods. But she had been confident that he would respond to her love and the strength of her commitment to him. Besides, Roy was so loving and apologetic when he upset her that she believed she needed only to wait patiently for him to change. Instead, as their relationship became more serious, Roy became increasingly critical, angry, and abusive. When Carla at last ended the relationship, she was surprised at the intensity of her sadness.
Why does it hurt so much when a serious relationship is lost? Why is it so hard to get over, even when we know it is really for the best?
In the Premortal Realm
To better understand, think for a moment about your experience in the premortal realm. In that world of spirits, it was not possible for you to be sealed to an eternal companion. Eternal marriage requires the union of two souls—and the soul is made up of both a spiritual and a physical body (see D&C 88:15). And so our Heavenly Father, to help fulfill His purpose “to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man” (Moses 1:39), ensured that the earth would be a place where His spirit children, endowed with mortal bodies, could be sealed to a companion in the new and everlasting covenant and continue their eternal progression toward godhood.
Thus, in mortality, each of our Heavenly Father’s sons carries a divinely inspired longing for a bond of attachment to one of His daughters, and likewise, each of His daughters carries within her a yearning for the same fulfillment with one of His sons.
The Pain of Mourning
Yet the potential for this great joy also brings with it the potential for pain when the hope of this fulfillment is disappointed. The experience of having a loving relationship with another person is exciting and wonderful, but the loss of that relationship can be devastating.
This loss can be particularly painful when one has relied excessively upon the other person for a sense of identity and worth. Carla said of her experience: “With Roy I felt like I was really somebody, but without him I don’t know what to do or even who I am. When he was good to me I wanted to devote my life just to being there for him. But even when he was mean, I still felt that I was special to him, and that made me feel like I mattered. Now that we’ve broken up, I don’t seem to have any life of my own at all.”
Carla had been absorbed by this unhealthy relationship and had virtually given up her own identity. Without the relationship, she felt worthless and lost. Her resolve wavered, especially when Roy urged her to come back and promised that things would be different. It was hard for her to remember how hurtful the relationship had been, and her friends sometimes had to remind her of the unhappiness and fear that led her to break it off.
Surviving the Loss
How does one survive the loss of a serious relationship? Three factors can help us overcome any painful loss or misfortune: 1
The first is a personal commitment to finding meaningful purpose in life. When you are actively engaged in a sincere search for an understanding of the meaning and purpose of life, you are also in the process of developing the strength to cope with stress and disappointment. As members of the Lord’s Church, we are blessed to have the restored gospel of Jesus Christ, which explains the Lord’s plan of happiness and gives direction to our lives, meaning to our experience, and purpose in our struggles. As we commit ourselves to faith in the plans and purposes of God, we learn to endure the pain of life’s disappointments, and we are buoyed up by the eternal perspective of the covenants He has made with us.
The second factor is a belief in one’s ability to influence one’s surroundings and the outcome of events. In a gospel context, this means that we develop emotional strength when we add works to our faith, believing that through our labors we can make a positive difference in our own behalf and in behalf of others. The gospel teaches that our efforts, when coupled with faith in God, can help us overcome trials and afflictions and can bring about much good. “For the power is in them,” says the Lord, “wherein they are agents unto themselves” (D&C 58:28). Thus, as we devote ourselves to the service of God and our fellow beings, we are endowed with “power from on high” (D&C 20:8), we realize that we can accomplish many things of great worth, and we find comfort against the sorrows of mortality. We also develop confidence in our ability to make ourselves happy, and we learn that we do not have to wait for someone else to do so.
The third factor is a belief that one can learn and grow from both positive and negative life experiences. This essential principle is plainly evident in God’s teachings to His children. For example, in a profound statement to the Prophet Joseph Smith, the Lord lists the calamities that had befallen or could befall the Prophet and then emphasizes that even these hardships can benefit him: “Know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good. The Son of Man hath descended below them all. Art thou greater than he?” (D&C 122:7–8).
Here the Lord teaches that our mortal suffering, in some degree like the suffering of the Savior himself, can have significant purpose, meaning, and value that can enhance our growth and our development toward godhood.
Steps toward Recovery
One can take positive steps toward recovering from the loss of a serious relationship. The first is to recognize that such a loss can be similar to the bereavement we experience at the death of a loved one. Minimizing the loss—that is, telling yourself, “It’s not that big a deal; I should just get over it”—will not help.
It is also important to realize that the loss of a relationship involves multiple additional losses, such as loss of contact with other valued people and loss of enjoyable activities shared with the other person. Even more painful is the loss of “what might have been”—the loss of the life we expected to have and the plans we hoped would become reality.
Healing from such a loss comes in stages as we work through painful feelings. It would be a comfort, perhaps, to believe that “every day I’ll feel a little better,” but the truth is that grief often comes in great rolling waves of emotion. Just when we thought we were getting over it, a seemingly insignificant reminder of the lost love may trigger painful feelings with unexpected intensity. Over time, the frequency and intensity of these spikes of emotion will diminish, but sharp pangs of grief may still be felt even months afterward. Try to be patient with your own grieving process, and acknowledge that the day will come when you will feel better.
In the meantime, consider the following tips:
• If someone says something like, “I don’t want to be tied down,” “I’m not ready for a relationship,” or “I can’t make that commitment,” believe it. Remember that your love alone is not enough to make a good relationship. You can choose to be loving, but you cannot choose to be loved.
• Realize that you are not really alone and that isolating yourself won’t help. Instead, look to the supportive relationships in your life for comfort and reassurance.
• Seek spiritual guidance and counsel from your bishop. His inspired counsel can help alleviate doubt and distress.
• Ask your father, your bishop, or another worthy priesthood holder for a priesthood blessing. A blessing can reassure you of the Lord’s love and concern for you.
• Remember that when your feelings are most poignant and tender, you are also likely to be humble and susceptible to the Spirit. This is the time to appeal to the Lord in prayer. “Cast thy burden upon the Lord,” wrote the Psalmist, “and he shall sustain thee” (Ps. 55:22).
• If you are endowed, visit the temple seeking to understand the Lord’s perspective on you and your life. Honor the Lord’s house as a place of contemplation, serenity, and inspiration.
• Remember that the Lord has known you from the beginning and has a plan for your happiness. Seek to better understand that plan and to allow yourself to accomplish His purposes for you.
• Keep a regular schedule during the day, and make plans for evenings, weekends, and holidays. When you are hurting or depressed, unstructured time is usually unproductive.
• Stay involved in activities, and don’t be afraid to start something new and interesting. Take a class, join a new group, begin an exercise program, or take up an outdoor activity.
• Give yourself some time as an unattached person. Avoid rushing into a new relationship to protect yourself from the pain of the old one.
• Let go of your souvenirs of the past relationship. Don’t build a shrine to the memory of what has been lost. And stay away from romantic places you used to visit.
• Keep a “feelings journal.” Writing about your experiences obliges you to organize and make sense of your thoughts and feelings instead of repeatedly reexperiencing the same confusion and distress. Writing in this journal can also be a solace at times when you are alone in your mourning.
• Share your feelings with a person you trust. Talking to someone helps you avoid acting in ways that can be self-destructive, such as taking excessive or dangerous risks or making unwise decisions.
• If you have followed these suggestions but are still not making progress, you may want to consider talking with an experienced professional counselor. Your bishop can help refer you to a counselor with high standards and values consistent with Church teachings.
Experiencing Recovery
For Jared, recovery from heartbreak began when he took the risk of sharing his grief with those who had offered their support. It was especially difficult for him to share his feelings with his mother, but he was surprised when she opened up to him and shared the feelings of loneliness and isolation she had experienced as a single parent. In addition, Jared found a “feelings journal” to be particularly useful because it helped him work through his complex emotions and make note of his progress. Eventually he felt ready to risk involving himself in another relationship, and he found that he had more confidence in his relationship skills.
Carla had a more difficult time. Despite her sad experience with Roy, she quickly became involved in a similar relationship with another man in the hope of soothing her distress over the breakup. When this relationship also failed, she was again overwhelmed with painful feelings. Carla’s recovery began when she allowed herself to fully experience these emotions rather than running away from them. She discovered that this experience required her to trust in the Lord’s ability to assist her in bearing the burden of pain she had believed was beyond her capacity to endure. As she did so, she developed a greater testimony of the Atonement and a greater faith in the Savior’s willingness to comfort those in distress.
Our Bond with Jesus Christ
Carla also learned that much of our deep need for attachment can be fulfilled when we enjoy the companionship of the Holy Ghost. If we live according to our covenants, we are blessed with a feeling of closeness to the Savior and peace with the life He has given us. With His help we are able to overcome feelings of grief, loss, weakness, and failure, and we can again live in blessed harmony with ourselves and those around us.
Monday, April 28, 2008
Great Talks - Cast Not Away Therefor Your Confidence
One of Elder Holland's classic talks that applies to relationships and the courage to move forward with right decisions no matter what adversity comes our way. Here is the key passage:
"I would like to have a dollar for every person in a courtship who knew he or she had felt the guidance of the Lord in that relationship, had prayed about the experience enough to know it was the will of the Lord, knew they loved each other and enjoyed each other's company, and saw a lifetime of wonderful compatibility ahead--only to panic, to get a brain cramp, to have total catatonic fear sweep over them. They "draw back," as Paul said, if not into perdition at least into marital paralysis.
I am not saying you shouldn't be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. And I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people's lives. Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It's been done before. Don't give in. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."
http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=8501
There is a lesson in the Prophet Joseph Smith's account of the First Vision that virtually everyone in this audience has had occasion to experience, or one day soon will. It is the plain and very sobering truth that before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. Life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our life.
In the marvelous account that we read too seldom, Joseph said he had scarcely begun his prayer when he felt a power of astonishing influence come over him. Thick darkness, as he described it, gathered around him and seemed bent on his utter destruction. But he exerted all his powers to call upon God to deliver him out of the power of this enemy, and as he did so a pillar of light brighter than the noonday sun descended gradually until it rested upon him. At the very moment of the light's appearance, he found himself delivered from the destructive power that had held him bound. What then followed is the greatest epiphany since the events surrounding the crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension of Christ in the meridian of time. The Father and the Son appeared to Joseph Smith, and the dispensation of the fulness of times had begun. (See JS--H 1:15–20.)
Most of us do not need any more reminders than we have already had that there is one who personifies "opposition in all things," that "an angel of God" fell "from heaven" and in so doing became "miserable forever." What a chilling destiny. Lehi teaches us that because this is Lucifer's fate, "he sought also the misery of all mankind" (2 Nephi 2:11, 17–18). Surely this must be the original ecclesiastical source for the homely little adage that misery loves company.
A morning's devotional could be devoted to this subject of the adversary's strong, preliminary, anticipatory opposition to many of the good things that God has in store for us. But today I want to move past that observation to another truth we may not recognize so readily. This is a lesson in the parlance of the athletic contest that reminds us "it isn't over until it's over." It is the reminder that the fight goes on. Unfortunately we must not think that Satan is defeated with that first, strong breakthrough that so dramatically brings the light and moves us forward.
To make my point a little more vividly, may I go to another passage of scripture, indeed to another vision. You will recall that the book of Moses begins with him being taken up to "an exceedingly high mountain" where, the scripture says, "he saw God face to face, and he talked with him, and the glory of God was upon Moses" (Moses 1:1–2). What then followed was what happens to prophets who are taken to high mountains. The Lord said to Moses,
Look, and I will show thee the workmanship of mine hands. . . .
And . . . Moses . . . beheld the earth, yea, even all of it; and there was not a particle of it which he did not behold, discerning it by the spirit of God.
And he beheld also the inhabitants thereof, and there was not a soul which he beheld not. [Moses 1:4, 27–28]
This experience is remarkable by every standard. It is one of the great revelations given in human history. It stands with the greatest accounts we have of any prophet's experience with divinity.
But Moses' message to you today is, "Don't let your guard down." Don't assume that a great revelation, some marvelous illuminating moment, or the opening of an inspired path is the end of it. Remember, it isn't over until it's over. What happened to Moses next, after his revelatory moment, would be ludicrous if it were not so dangerous and so absolutely true to form. In an effort to continue his opposition, in his unfailing effort to get his licks in later if not sooner, Lucifer appeared and shouted in equal portions of anger and petulance after God had revealed himself to the prophet, saying, "Moses, worship me." But Moses was not having it. He had just seen the real thing, and by comparison this sort of performance was pretty dismal.
Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? . . . where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?
For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come upon me. . . . But I can look upon thee in the natural man. . . .
. . . Where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God. . . .
Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not. [Moses 1:13–16]
The record then depicts a reaction that is both pathetic and frightening.
And now, when Moses had said these words, Satan cried with a loud voice, and ranted upon the earth, and commanded, saying: I am the Only Begotten, worship me.
And it came to pass that Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell. Nevertheless, calling upon God [the very phrase used by Joseph Smith], he received strength, and he commanded, saying: Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of glory.
And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook. . . .
And it came to pass that Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth; and he departed hence. [Moses 1:19–22]
So Satan left, always to come again, we can be sure, but always to be defeated by the God of Glory--always.
I wish to encourage every one of you today regarding opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose. In his letter to the Hebrews, the Apostle Paul was trying to encourage new members who had just joined the Church, who undoubtedly had had spiritual experiences and had received the pure light of testimony, only to discover that not only had their troubles not ended, but that some of them had only begun.
It reminds me of President Hugh B. Brown's statement about marriage. He said he had always been told that when he got married he would come to the end of his troubles. So he got married, only to discover they were speaking about the front end. Now, you returned missionaries who are still sitting around single, don't chuckle too loudly at that. I am not through with you this morning!
Paul pled with those new members about the way President Hinckley is pleading with new members today. The reminder is that we cannot sign on for a moment of such eternal significance and everlasting consequence without knowing it will be a fight--a good fight and a winning fight, but a fight nevertheless. Paul said to those who thought a new testimony, a personal conversion, or a spiritual baptismal experience would put them beyond trouble, "Call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions" (Hebrews 10:32; emphasis added).
Then came this tremendous counsel, which is at the heart of my counsel to you and the title of my remarks this morning:
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.. . .
. . . If any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. . . .
. . . We are not of them who draw back unto perdition. [Hebrews 10:35–36, 38–39; emphasis added]
In LDS talk that is to say, "Sure it is tough--before you join the Church, while you are trying to join, and after you have joined." That is the way it has always been, Paul said, but don't "draw back," he warned. Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses when the adversary confronted him, and it is what will save you.
I suppose every returned missionary and probably every convert within the sound of my voice knows exactly what I am talking about: appointments for discussions canceled, the Book of Mormon in a plastic bag hanging from a front-door knob, baptismal dates not met. And so it goes through the teaching period, through the commitments, through the baptism, through the first weeks and months in the Church, and more or less forever. At least the adversary would pursue it forever, if he thought he could see any weakening of your resolve or any chink in your armor--even if it is after the fact.
This opposition turns up almost anyplace something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. (Now I am back to those returned missionaries.) I would like to have a dollar for every person in a courtship who knew he or she had felt the guidance of the Lord in that relationship, had prayed about the experience enough to know it was the will of the Lord, knew they loved each other and enjoyed each other's company, and saw a lifetime of wonderful compatibility ahead--only to panic, to get a brain cramp, to have total catatonic fear sweep over them. They "draw back," as Paul said, if not into perdition at least into marital paralysis.
I am not saying you shouldn't be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. And I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people's lives. Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It's been done before. Don't give in. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.
To help us make our way through these experiences, these important junctures in our lives, let me draw from another scriptural reference to Moses. It was given in the early days of this dispensation when revelation was needed, when a true course was being set and had to be continued.
Virtually everyone in the room knows the formula for revelation given in section 9 of the Doctrine and Covenants--you know, the verses about studying it out in your mind and the Lord promising to confirm or deny. What most of us don't read in conjunction with this is the section that precedes it--section 8. In that revelation the Lord defined revelation:
I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. [I love the combination there of both mind and heart. God will teach us in a reasonable way and in a revelatory way--mind and heart combined, by the Holy Ghost.]
Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground. [D&C 8:2–3; emphasis added]
Question: Why would the Lord use the example of crossing the Red Sea as the classic example of "the spirit of revelation"? Why didn't he use the First Vision? Or the example from the book of Moses we just used? Or the vision of the brother of Jared? Well, he could have used any of these, but he didn't. Here he had another purpose in mind.
Usually we think of revelation as information. Just open the books to us, Lord, like: What was the political significance of the Louisiana Purchase or the essence of the second law of thermodynamics? It is obvious that when you see those kinds of questions on a test paper, you need revelation. Someone said prayer will never be eliminated from the schools so long as there are final examinations. But aside from the fact that you probably aren't going to get that kind of revelation--because in this Church we do not believe in ex nihilo creation, especially in exams--this is too narrow a concept of revelation. May I suggest how section 8 broadens our understanding of section 9, particularly in light of these "fights of affliction" that Paul spoke of and that I have been discussing.
First of all, revelation almost always comes in response to a question, usually an urgent question--not always, but usually. In that sense it does provide information, but it is urgently needed information, special information. Moses' challenge was how to get himself and the children of Israel out of this horrible predicament they were in. There were chariots behind them, sand dunes on every side, and just a lot of water immediately ahead. He needed information all right--what to do--but it wasn't a casual thing he was asking. In this case it was literally a matter of life and death.
You will need information, too, but in matters of great consequence it is not likely to come unless you want it urgently, faithfully, humbly. Moroni calls it seeking "with real intent" (Moroni 10:4). If you can seek that way, and stay in that mode, not much that the adversary can counter with will dissuade you from a righteous path. You can hang on, whatever the assault and affliction, because you have paid the price to--figuratively, at least--see the face of God and live.
Like Moses in his vision, there may come after the fact some competing doubts and some confusion, but they will pale when you measure them against the real thing. Remember the real thing. Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and that you got it. The Red Sea will open to the honest seeker of revelation. The adversary does have power to hedge up the way, to marshal Pharaoh's forces and dog our escape right to the water's edge, but he can't produce the real thing. He cannot conquer if we will it otherwise. "Exerting all [our] powers to call upon God," the light will again come, the darkness will again retreat, the safety will again be sure. That is lesson number one about crossing the Red Sea, your Red Seas, by the spirit of revelation.
Lesson number two is closely related to it. It is that in the process of revelation and in making important decisions, fear almost always plays a destructive, sometimes paralyzing role. To Oliver Cowdery, who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn't seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity, the Lord said, "You did not continue as you commenced." Does that sound familiar to those who have been illuminated and then knuckled under to second thoughts and returning doubts? "It is not expedient that you should translate now," the Lord said in language that must have been very hard for Oliver to hear. "Behold, it was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now" (D&C 9:5, 10–11; emphasis added).
Every one of us runs the risk of fear. You do, and I do. Did you catch the line I tried to emphasize as I read the account from the Pearl of Great Price? For a moment in that confrontation, "Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell" (Moses 1:20). That's when you see it--when you are afraid.
That is exactly the problem that beset the children of Israel at the edge of the Red Sea. That is lesson number two. It has everything to do with holding fast to earlier illumination. The record says, "And when Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid."
Some, just like those Paul had described earlier, said, "Let's go back. This isn't worth it. We must have been wrong. That probably wasn't the right spirit telling us to leave Egypt." What they actually said to Moses was, "Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? . . . It had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness" (Exodus 14:10–12).
And I have to say, "What about that which has already happened? What about the miracles that got you here? What about the frogs and the lice? What about the rod and the serpent, the river and the blood? What about the hail, the locusts, the fire, and the firstborn sons?"
How soon we forget. It would not have been better to stay and serve the Egyptians, and it is not better to remain outside the Church nor to reject a mission call nor to put off marriage and so on and so on forever. Of course our faith will be tested as we fight through these self-doubts and second thoughts. Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt--seemingly free, seemingly on our way--only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and to give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary's weapons against us.
"And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. . . . The Lord shall fight for you."
In confirmation the great Jehovah said to Moses, "Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward" (Exodus 14:13–15; emphasis added).
That is the second lesson of the spirit of revelation. After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, "go forward." Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord was doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There's always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, "Brethren [and, I would add, sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!" (D&C 128:22).
The third lesson from the Lord's spirit of revelation in the miracle of the crossing of the Red Sea is that, along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it. That is true of joining the Church. It is true of getting an education, of going on a mission or of getting married or of any of a hundred worthy tasks in your young lives. Remember what the Savior said to the Prophet Joseph in the Sacred Grove. What was the problem in 1820? Why was Joseph not to join any other Church? It was at least in part because "they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof"(JS--H 1:19; emphasis added).
God's grace is sufficient! The Lord would tell Joseph again and again through those early difficult days that, just as in the days of old, these modern children of Israel would
be led out of bondage by power, and with a stretched-out arm. . . .
Therefore, let not your hearts faint . . . : Mine angel shall go up before you. . . .
. . . and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land. [D&C 103:17–20]
What goodly land? Your goodly land. Your promised land. Your New Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny. I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what his plan is for us. We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to see in order to know the Lord's will for us and to know that he loves us beyond mortal comprehension. I also believe that the adversary and his pinched, calculating little minions try to oppose such experiences and then try to darken them after the fact. But that is not the way of the gospel. That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims as the fundamental fact of the Restoration the spirit of revelation.
Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going. With Paul, I say to all of you:
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. [Hebrews 10:35–36]
I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored, just as we have sung and testified this morning.
"Fear ye not." And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, "fear ye not. . . . The Lord shall fight for you." "Cast not away therefore your confidence." I say this in the sacred and holy name of our Protector and Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
"I would like to have a dollar for every person in a courtship who knew he or she had felt the guidance of the Lord in that relationship, had prayed about the experience enough to know it was the will of the Lord, knew they loved each other and enjoyed each other's company, and saw a lifetime of wonderful compatibility ahead--only to panic, to get a brain cramp, to have total catatonic fear sweep over them. They "draw back," as Paul said, if not into perdition at least into marital paralysis.
I am not saying you shouldn't be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. And I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people's lives. Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It's been done before. Don't give in. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you."
http://speeches.byu.edu/reader/reader.php?id=8501
There is a lesson in the Prophet Joseph Smith's account of the First Vision that virtually everyone in this audience has had occasion to experience, or one day soon will. It is the plain and very sobering truth that before great moments, certainly before great spiritual moments, there can come adversity, opposition, and darkness. Life has some of those moments for us, and occasionally they come just as we are approaching an important decision or a significant step in our life.
In the marvelous account that we read too seldom, Joseph said he had scarcely begun his prayer when he felt a power of astonishing influence come over him. Thick darkness, as he described it, gathered around him and seemed bent on his utter destruction. But he exerted all his powers to call upon God to deliver him out of the power of this enemy, and as he did so a pillar of light brighter than the noonday sun descended gradually until it rested upon him. At the very moment of the light's appearance, he found himself delivered from the destructive power that had held him bound. What then followed is the greatest epiphany since the events surrounding the crucifixion, resurrection, and ascension of Christ in the meridian of time. The Father and the Son appeared to Joseph Smith, and the dispensation of the fulness of times had begun. (See JS--H 1:15–20.)
Most of us do not need any more reminders than we have already had that there is one who personifies "opposition in all things," that "an angel of God" fell "from heaven" and in so doing became "miserable forever." What a chilling destiny. Lehi teaches us that because this is Lucifer's fate, "he sought also the misery of all mankind" (2 Nephi 2:11, 17–18). Surely this must be the original ecclesiastical source for the homely little adage that misery loves company.
A morning's devotional could be devoted to this subject of the adversary's strong, preliminary, anticipatory opposition to many of the good things that God has in store for us. But today I want to move past that observation to another truth we may not recognize so readily. This is a lesson in the parlance of the athletic contest that reminds us "it isn't over until it's over." It is the reminder that the fight goes on. Unfortunately we must not think that Satan is defeated with that first, strong breakthrough that so dramatically brings the light and moves us forward.
To make my point a little more vividly, may I go to another passage of scripture, indeed to another vision. You will recall that the book of Moses begins with him being taken up to "an exceedingly high mountain" where, the scripture says, "he saw God face to face, and he talked with him, and the glory of God was upon Moses" (Moses 1:1–2). What then followed was what happens to prophets who are taken to high mountains. The Lord said to Moses,
Look, and I will show thee the workmanship of mine hands. . . .
And . . . Moses . . . beheld the earth, yea, even all of it; and there was not a particle of it which he did not behold, discerning it by the spirit of God.
And he beheld also the inhabitants thereof, and there was not a soul which he beheld not. [Moses 1:4, 27–28]
This experience is remarkable by every standard. It is one of the great revelations given in human history. It stands with the greatest accounts we have of any prophet's experience with divinity.
But Moses' message to you today is, "Don't let your guard down." Don't assume that a great revelation, some marvelous illuminating moment, or the opening of an inspired path is the end of it. Remember, it isn't over until it's over. What happened to Moses next, after his revelatory moment, would be ludicrous if it were not so dangerous and so absolutely true to form. In an effort to continue his opposition, in his unfailing effort to get his licks in later if not sooner, Lucifer appeared and shouted in equal portions of anger and petulance after God had revealed himself to the prophet, saying, "Moses, worship me." But Moses was not having it. He had just seen the real thing, and by comparison this sort of performance was pretty dismal.
Moses looked upon Satan and said: Who art thou? . . . where is thy glory, that I should worship thee?
For behold, I could not look upon God, except his glory should come upon me. . . . But I can look upon thee in the natural man. . . .
. . . Where is thy glory, for it is darkness unto me? And I can judge between thee and God. . . .
Get thee hence, Satan; deceive me not. [Moses 1:13–16]
The record then depicts a reaction that is both pathetic and frightening.
And now, when Moses had said these words, Satan cried with a loud voice, and ranted upon the earth, and commanded, saying: I am the Only Begotten, worship me.
And it came to pass that Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell. Nevertheless, calling upon God [the very phrase used by Joseph Smith], he received strength, and he commanded, saying: Depart from me, Satan, for this one God only will I worship, which is the God of glory.
And now Satan began to tremble, and the earth shook. . . .
And it came to pass that Satan cried with a loud voice, with weeping, and wailing, and gnashing of teeth; and he departed hence. [Moses 1:19–22]
So Satan left, always to come again, we can be sure, but always to be defeated by the God of Glory--always.
I wish to encourage every one of you today regarding opposition that so often comes after enlightened decisions have been made, after moments of revelation and conviction have given us a peace and an assurance we thought we would never lose. In his letter to the Hebrews, the Apostle Paul was trying to encourage new members who had just joined the Church, who undoubtedly had had spiritual experiences and had received the pure light of testimony, only to discover that not only had their troubles not ended, but that some of them had only begun.
It reminds me of President Hugh B. Brown's statement about marriage. He said he had always been told that when he got married he would come to the end of his troubles. So he got married, only to discover they were speaking about the front end. Now, you returned missionaries who are still sitting around single, don't chuckle too loudly at that. I am not through with you this morning!
Paul pled with those new members about the way President Hinckley is pleading with new members today. The reminder is that we cannot sign on for a moment of such eternal significance and everlasting consequence without knowing it will be a fight--a good fight and a winning fight, but a fight nevertheless. Paul said to those who thought a new testimony, a personal conversion, or a spiritual baptismal experience would put them beyond trouble, "Call to remembrance the former days, in which, after ye were illuminated, ye endured a great fight of afflictions" (Hebrews 10:32; emphasis added).
Then came this tremendous counsel, which is at the heart of my counsel to you and the title of my remarks this morning:
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise.. . .
. . . If any man draw back, my soul shall have no pleasure in him. . . .
. . . We are not of them who draw back unto perdition. [Hebrews 10:35–36, 38–39; emphasis added]
In LDS talk that is to say, "Sure it is tough--before you join the Church, while you are trying to join, and after you have joined." That is the way it has always been, Paul said, but don't "draw back," he warned. Don't panic and retreat. Don't lose your confidence. Don't forget how you once felt. Don't distrust the experience you had. That tenacity is what saved Moses when the adversary confronted him, and it is what will save you.
I suppose every returned missionary and probably every convert within the sound of my voice knows exactly what I am talking about: appointments for discussions canceled, the Book of Mormon in a plastic bag hanging from a front-door knob, baptismal dates not met. And so it goes through the teaching period, through the commitments, through the baptism, through the first weeks and months in the Church, and more or less forever. At least the adversary would pursue it forever, if he thought he could see any weakening of your resolve or any chink in your armor--even if it is after the fact.
This opposition turns up almost anyplace something good has happened. It can happen when you are trying to get an education. It can hit you after your first month in your new mission field. It certainly happens in matters of love and marriage. (Now I am back to those returned missionaries.) I would like to have a dollar for every person in a courtship who knew he or she had felt the guidance of the Lord in that relationship, had prayed about the experience enough to know it was the will of the Lord, knew they loved each other and enjoyed each other's company, and saw a lifetime of wonderful compatibility ahead--only to panic, to get a brain cramp, to have total catatonic fear sweep over them. They "draw back," as Paul said, if not into perdition at least into marital paralysis.
I am not saying you shouldn't be very careful about something as significant and serious as marriage. And I certainly am not saying that a young man can get a revelation that he is to marry a certain person without that young woman getting the same confirmation. I have seen a lot of those one-way revelations in young people's lives. Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don't give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It's been done before. Don't give in. Certainly don't give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone to be miserable like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. "Cast not away therefore your confidence." Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you.
To help us make our way through these experiences, these important junctures in our lives, let me draw from another scriptural reference to Moses. It was given in the early days of this dispensation when revelation was needed, when a true course was being set and had to be continued.
Virtually everyone in the room knows the formula for revelation given in section 9 of the Doctrine and Covenants--you know, the verses about studying it out in your mind and the Lord promising to confirm or deny. What most of us don't read in conjunction with this is the section that precedes it--section 8. In that revelation the Lord defined revelation:
I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart. [I love the combination there of both mind and heart. God will teach us in a reasonable way and in a revelatory way--mind and heart combined, by the Holy Ghost.]
Now, behold, this is the spirit of revelation; behold, this is the spirit by which Moses brought the children of Israel through the Red Sea on dry ground. [D&C 8:2–3; emphasis added]
Question: Why would the Lord use the example of crossing the Red Sea as the classic example of "the spirit of revelation"? Why didn't he use the First Vision? Or the example from the book of Moses we just used? Or the vision of the brother of Jared? Well, he could have used any of these, but he didn't. Here he had another purpose in mind.
Usually we think of revelation as information. Just open the books to us, Lord, like: What was the political significance of the Louisiana Purchase or the essence of the second law of thermodynamics? It is obvious that when you see those kinds of questions on a test paper, you need revelation. Someone said prayer will never be eliminated from the schools so long as there are final examinations. But aside from the fact that you probably aren't going to get that kind of revelation--because in this Church we do not believe in ex nihilo creation, especially in exams--this is too narrow a concept of revelation. May I suggest how section 8 broadens our understanding of section 9, particularly in light of these "fights of affliction" that Paul spoke of and that I have been discussing.
First of all, revelation almost always comes in response to a question, usually an urgent question--not always, but usually. In that sense it does provide information, but it is urgently needed information, special information. Moses' challenge was how to get himself and the children of Israel out of this horrible predicament they were in. There were chariots behind them, sand dunes on every side, and just a lot of water immediately ahead. He needed information all right--what to do--but it wasn't a casual thing he was asking. In this case it was literally a matter of life and death.
You will need information, too, but in matters of great consequence it is not likely to come unless you want it urgently, faithfully, humbly. Moroni calls it seeking "with real intent" (Moroni 10:4). If you can seek that way, and stay in that mode, not much that the adversary can counter with will dissuade you from a righteous path. You can hang on, whatever the assault and affliction, because you have paid the price to--figuratively, at least--see the face of God and live.
Like Moses in his vision, there may come after the fact some competing doubts and some confusion, but they will pale when you measure them against the real thing. Remember the real thing. Remember how urgently you have needed help in earlier times and that you got it. The Red Sea will open to the honest seeker of revelation. The adversary does have power to hedge up the way, to marshal Pharaoh's forces and dog our escape right to the water's edge, but he can't produce the real thing. He cannot conquer if we will it otherwise. "Exerting all [our] powers to call upon God," the light will again come, the darkness will again retreat, the safety will again be sure. That is lesson number one about crossing the Red Sea, your Red Seas, by the spirit of revelation.
Lesson number two is closely related to it. It is that in the process of revelation and in making important decisions, fear almost always plays a destructive, sometimes paralyzing role. To Oliver Cowdery, who missed the opportunity of a lifetime because he didn't seize it in the lifetime of the opportunity, the Lord said, "You did not continue as you commenced." Does that sound familiar to those who have been illuminated and then knuckled under to second thoughts and returning doubts? "It is not expedient that you should translate now," the Lord said in language that must have been very hard for Oliver to hear. "Behold, it was expedient when you commenced; but you feared, and the time is past, and it is not expedient now" (D&C 9:5, 10–11; emphasis added).
Every one of us runs the risk of fear. You do, and I do. Did you catch the line I tried to emphasize as I read the account from the Pearl of Great Price? For a moment in that confrontation, "Moses began to fear exceedingly; and as he began to fear, he saw the bitterness of hell" (Moses 1:20). That's when you see it--when you are afraid.
That is exactly the problem that beset the children of Israel at the edge of the Red Sea. That is lesson number two. It has everything to do with holding fast to earlier illumination. The record says, "And when Pharaoh drew nigh, the children of Israel lifted up their eyes, and, behold, the Egyptians marched after them; and they were sore afraid."
Some, just like those Paul had described earlier, said, "Let's go back. This isn't worth it. We must have been wrong. That probably wasn't the right spirit telling us to leave Egypt." What they actually said to Moses was, "Wherefore hast thou dealt thus with us, to carry us forth out of Egypt? . . . It had been better for us to serve the Egyptians, than that we should die in the wilderness" (Exodus 14:10–12).
And I have to say, "What about that which has already happened? What about the miracles that got you here? What about the frogs and the lice? What about the rod and the serpent, the river and the blood? What about the hail, the locusts, the fire, and the firstborn sons?"
How soon we forget. It would not have been better to stay and serve the Egyptians, and it is not better to remain outside the Church nor to reject a mission call nor to put off marriage and so on and so on forever. Of course our faith will be tested as we fight through these self-doubts and second thoughts. Some days we will be miraculously led out of Egypt--seemingly free, seemingly on our way--only to come to yet another confrontation, like all that water lying before us. At those times we must resist the temptation to panic and to give up. At those times fear will be the strongest of the adversary's weapons against us.
"And Moses said unto the people, Fear ye not, stand still, and see the salvation of the Lord. . . . The Lord shall fight for you."
In confirmation the great Jehovah said to Moses, "Speak unto the children of Israel, that they go forward" (Exodus 14:13–15; emphasis added).
That is the second lesson of the spirit of revelation. After you have gotten the message, after you have paid the price to feel his love and hear the word of the Lord, "go forward." Don't fear, don't vacillate, don't quibble, don't whine. You may, like Alma going to Ammonihah, have to find a route that leads an unusual way, but that is exactly what the Lord was doing here for the children of Israel. Nobody had ever crossed the Red Sea this way, but so what? There's always a first time. With the spirit of revelation, dismiss your fears and wade in with both feet. In the words of Joseph Smith, "Brethren [and, I would add, sisters], shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, brethren; and on, on to the victory!" (D&C 128:22).
The third lesson from the Lord's spirit of revelation in the miracle of the crossing of the Red Sea is that, along with the illuminating revelation that points us toward a righteous purpose or duty, God will also provide the means and power to achieve that purpose. Trust in that eternal truth. If God has told you something is right, if something is indeed true for you, he will provide the way for you to accomplish it. That is true of joining the Church. It is true of getting an education, of going on a mission or of getting married or of any of a hundred worthy tasks in your young lives. Remember what the Savior said to the Prophet Joseph in the Sacred Grove. What was the problem in 1820? Why was Joseph not to join any other Church? It was at least in part because "they teach for doctrines the commandments of men, having a form of godliness, but they deny the power thereof"(JS--H 1:19; emphasis added).
God's grace is sufficient! The Lord would tell Joseph again and again through those early difficult days that, just as in the days of old, these modern children of Israel would
be led out of bondage by power, and with a stretched-out arm. . . .
Therefore, let not your hearts faint . . . : Mine angel shall go up before you. . . .
. . . and also my presence, and in time ye shall possess the goodly land. [D&C 103:17–20]
What goodly land? Your goodly land. Your promised land. Your New Jerusalem. Your own little acre flowing with milk and honey. Your future. Your dreams. Your destiny. I believe that in our own individual ways, God takes us to the grove or the mountain or the temple and there shows us the wonder of what his plan is for us. We may not see it as fully as Moses or Nephi or the brother of Jared did, but we see as much as we need to see in order to know the Lord's will for us and to know that he loves us beyond mortal comprehension. I also believe that the adversary and his pinched, calculating little minions try to oppose such experiences and then try to darken them after the fact. But that is not the way of the gospel. That is not the way of a Latter-day Saint who claims as the fundamental fact of the Restoration the spirit of revelation.
Fighting through darkness and despair and pleading for the light is what opened this dispensation. It is what keeps it going, and it is what will keep you going. With Paul, I say to all of you:
Cast not away therefore your confidence, which hath great recompence of reward.
For ye have need of patience, that, after ye have done the will of God, ye might receive the promise. [Hebrews 10:35–36]
I acknowledge the reality of opposition and adversity, but I bear witness of the God of Glory, of the redeeming Son of God, of light and hope and a bright future. I promise you that God lives and loves you, each one of you, and that he has set bounds and limits to the opposing powers of darkness. I testify that Jesus is the Christ, the victor over death and hell and the fallen one who schemes there. The gospel of Jesus Christ is true, and it has been restored, just as we have sung and testified this morning.
"Fear ye not." And when the second and the third and the fourth blows come, "fear ye not. . . . The Lord shall fight for you." "Cast not away therefore your confidence." I say this in the sacred and holy name of our Protector and Redeemer, even the Lord Jesus Christ. Amen.
Sunday, April 27, 2008
Article - Choosing and Being the Right Spouse
Choosing and Being the Right Spouse
By Thomas B. Holman
Prophetic counsel teaches us that finding a marriage partner takes spiritual sensitivity, maturity, and preparation—including preparing ourselves to be the right spouse.
Thomas B. Holman, “Choosing and Being the Right Spouse,” Ensign, Sept. 2002, 62President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled that marriage “will be the most important decision of your life. … Marry the right person in the right place at the right time.” 1 But who is the right person? Where is the right place? When is the right time?
Fortunately, President Hinckley and other Church leaders have given us inspired counsel concerning these questions. Moreover, some 60 years of research confirms the wisdom of their counsel.
The right place is, of course, the temple. “There is no substitute for marrying in the temple,” counsels President Hinckley. “It is the only place under the heavens where marriage can be solemnized for eternity. Don’t cheat yourself. Don’t cheat your companion. Don’t shortchange your lives.” 2
But how to find the right person?
We sometimes are given false expectations by movies, plays, and fiction based on the idea that there is a “one-and-only” somewhere out there whom we are intended to marry. This would mean that finding a mate is simply a matter of waiting to lock eyes with the right someone “across a crowded room,” as the song in South Pacific says, 3 heading off hand in hand to the closest temple and then living happily ever after. No matter how romantic this idea is, it is not supported by prophetic counsel. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) taught: “ ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.” 4
The Right Person
Many of us have the mote and beam problem (see Matt. 7:3–5)—that is, we can easily see the faults of others, but not our own. So before we start holding others up to scrutiny to see if they are worthy of us, maybe we ought to work first on becoming a “right person” for someone else. Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles offered this counsel: “If the choice is between reforming other Church members [including fiancés, spouses, and children] or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others—not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings.” 5 Therefore, when we focus on finding the right person, we should also focus on becoming the right person for someone else. The strengths we bring to a marriage will undoubtedly contribute to the success of the marriage.
The first quality many young people look for in a potential spouse is someone with whom they can “fall in love,” which often means someone for whom they feel a strong physical attraction. Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–1985) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist.” But he went on to add, “It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make.” 6
Being “in love” and attracted to a person is a good start, but clearly not enough. President Gordon B. Hinckley and Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have suggested several other factors we should keep in mind.
“Choose a companion of your own faith. You are much more likely to be happy,” said President Hinckley. “Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.” 7
Elder Scott suggested several attributes of a potential spouse that will contribute to happiness in marriage: “a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.” 8
Some Factors to Consider
More than 60 years of research studies bear out the truth of these inspired recommendations by priesthood leaders. So do my personal experience and observation through years of teaching university classes about good marriage relationships. Research suggests several areas that we need to look at in choosing a spouse 9 if we want to have the greatest chance of success in marriage. These are the individual attributes and deeply held values of the person, the quality of the relationship we are able to build with that person, the person’s background, and the things in our own lives that affect our decisions. Let’s consider each of these.
First, we need to know a lot about the person we are thinking of marrying. As Elder Scott suggested, the person’s beliefs about family life are very important. Research confirms that the more a potential spouse values marriage and family life, the better that marriage can be. Studies show also that the kind of person President Hinckley advises seeking—someone to honor, respect, and give our whole heart to, someone who inspires love, allegiance, and loyalty—will usually have good mental and emotional health, including maturity, self-control, and a healthy sense of self-respect.
The self-respect that prepares one well for marriage is not, as President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) said, “an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit, or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as ‘belief in one’s own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.’ ” 10 One young wife’s comments about her husband illustrate how a poor sense of self-worth can harm a marriage. “I love him and I hope he will change. He has poor self-esteem. In any discussion of problems in our relationship, he puts up defenses and throws everything back on me or says he is worthless.”
Two immature behaviors are impulsive spending and losing one’s temper. One young woman broke up with a young man after she observed his problem in controlling his anger. She said to me: “He had a bad temper, and he was power oriented and controlling. I really thought that he would abuse me or my children if I married him.”
There is a need to find a person not only of good character but also one with whom we can have a good relationship. The way we communicate in dating and courtship is a key to building a solid marital relationship. Sincere, positive communication practiced in dating and courtship increases the likelihood of greater commitment, better conflict resolution, and more love between partners in marriage.
Good communication begins with a righteous heart. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matt. 12:34). On the other hand, communication from a selfish heart is generally just manipulation. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.” 11
Steve and Linda, who divorced after five years of marriage, realized this on looking back. Linda said it this way: “We had problems, I think, from the time we started dating. Neither of us is really good at communicating. I think I am a little better now than when we were dating. But neither one of us discussed our thoughts and feelings; we would get full of anger and neither one of us would talk.”
The Effect of Heritage
In addition to weighing a potential spouse’s character and our ability to create a good couple relationship with that person, we need to consider past and present family relationships. President David O. McKay (1873–1970) taught, “In choosing a companion, it is necessary to study the disposition, the inheritance, and training of the one with whom you are contemplating making life’s journey.” 12
Both research studies and experience show the wisdom of President McKay’s counsel. Good family environments and family relationships tend to lead to good quality marriages by the children; poor family environments and family relationships often foreshadow poor marriages by the children from these homes. Young adults from divorced families, for example, may experience some depression and anger and have trouble trusting or committing to others as a result of the trauma of parental divorce. Whether their parents divorced or not, some individuals may have been exposed to poor models of communication and conflict resolution in their families. Children from families that were emotionally cold and distant, chaotic, dangerous, unpredictable, detached, full of conflict, or where addictions or violence were chronic problems may need special help in overcoming such an upbringing.
Fortunately, however, our backgrounds do not have to control the outcome of our lives or our marriages. While we can do little to change our “gene pool,” we can choose how to respond to the events and conditions of our upbringing, and courtship is one of the most opportune times to do so. President McKay also said: “In our early youth, our environment is largely determined for us, but … in courtship and marriage we can modify, aye, can control to a very great extent, our environment. Morally speaking, we can carve the very atmosphere in which we live.” 13
Even if we came from a less-than-perfect family environment, we are not doomed to suffer the consequences of our parents’ iniquities “unto the third and fourth generation” (Deut. 5:9). The very scriptures that warn of wickedness being passed on unto the third and fourth generation also show the way out of a troubled family background. Doctrine and Covenants 124:50 [D&C 124:50], for example, tells us that the iniquities of the fathers will be visited upon the head of the children “so long as they [the children] repent not, and hate me.” Thus repentance and loving the Lord help free us from the sins of our parents.
The Book of Mormon is also full of examples of how to deal with parental influences. It talks about these influences in terms of “the traditions of their fathers” (Alma 9:17). The story of the Lamanites who responded to the teaching of Ammon and his brethren is a powerful example of a people who overcame generations of wicked traditions. In brief, the Book of Mormon teaches us that we can overcome these negative effects by having faith in the Lord, allowing ourselves to be taught by inspired leaders, learning the lessons of the scriptures, suffering in patience the afflictions that parents may have brought upon us, and repenting of any of the unrighteous habits and behaviors we may have picked up (see Mosiah 1:5; Alma 9:16–17; Alma 17:9, 15; Alma 25:6; Hel. 15:7).
It is important to have family and friends on our side and supportive of the upcoming marriage, Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles advised. “Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends.” 14 Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and “faithful, mature, trustworthy friends,” can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed.
The Right Time
President Hinckley offered this counsel about timing: “I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don’t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.” 15
Waiting too long is clearly ill advised. But jumping into marriage too quickly can also be a problem. President Lee advised that a young man not think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family of his own, to be independent. “He must make sure that he has found the girl of his choice, they have gone together long enough that they know each other, and that they know each other’s faults and they still love each other. … Brethren, think more seriously about the obligations of marriage for those who bear the holy priesthood at a time when marriage should be the expectation of every man who understands [his] responsibility.” 16 Women also need to wait until they are mature enough to assume the responsibilities of a wife and mother, without waiting too long while pursuing less important things.
Making the Decision
After thoughtfully and prayerfully considering all of these factors, we must be sure the decision we make is based on inspiration, not infatuation or desperation. As we seek a spiritual confirmation, we need to keep at least five things in mind.
First, we must be worthy to receive the inspiration we need.
Second, we must understand the balance between agency and inspiration. As Elder McConkie taught, “We make our own choices, and then we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal.” 17 The experience of one young man illustrates this: “There are two things in my life that I’ve always felt would be important: a career and marriage. Yet at the time I didn’t feel like I was getting a response. I prayed, ‘Heavenly Father, this is so important, I need to know whether or not it’s right.’ Then toward the end of our courtship, I went to the temple. I was so frustrated because I wasn’t getting an answer either way. After praying and waiting for an answer, I got more frustrated and gave up. That was when an impression came to me: ‘You already know the answer.’ Then I realized that God had answered my prayers. The decision to marry Becky always made sense and felt right. I can see now that God had been telling me in my heart and in my mind that it was a good decision. And later, at the time of the ceremony, I had another confirmation that what I was doing was right.”
Third, we may seek several witnesses if we feel the need for additional confirmation. Sometimes we may have difficulty distinguishing between spiritual impressions and our own emotions, desires, or fears. A spiritual witness may be confirmed again in various ways. In His infinite love, mercy, and patience, our Heavenly Father is generous with His counsel and response to His children.
Fourth, we can learn to discern the differences between inspiration, infatuation, and desperation. Inspiration, as we have already seen, comes when one is living worthily, exercises agency righteously, and studies the situation out carefully. It can be confirmed by multiple spiritual enlightenments and peaceful feelings (see D&C 6:15, 22–23). Infatuation is usually manifest by an immature “love” that includes great anxiety, possessiveness, selfishness, clinging, and overdependence; this may be more likely with individuals who lack emotional and spiritual maturity. Desperation is often associated with social or cultural circumstances that create an atmosphere (at least in the person’s mind) of “now or never”; pressure from peers, family, or cultural norms may lead to an unwise decision. A desire to get away from an unpleasant family situation or fear of failure in school or work can cause someone to look desperately to marriage as a way out of a problem. Such fears and anxieties often speak so loudly in our minds that we cannot hear the still, small whisperings of the Holy Spirit.
Fifth, the spiritual confirmation needs to come to both parties involved. A person should not feel that if his or her prospective partner receives a confirmation, he or she is therefore released from the necessity of seeking a similar personal confirmation. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has discussed this issue: “If a revelation is outside the limits of stewardship, you know it is not from the Lord, and you are not bound by it. I have heard of cases where a young man told a young woman she should marry him because he had received a revelation that she was to be his eternal companion. If this is a true revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the woman if she seeks to know. In the meantime, she is under no obligation to heed it. She should seek her own guidance and make up her own mind. The man can receive revelation to guide his own actions, but he cannot properly receive revelation to direct hers. She is outside his stewardship.” 18
Not long ago, my wife, Linda, and I were reminiscing about our courtship, and as I looked back, it seemed to me that I had been immature and inexperienced. I asked how she had dared to marry me. Her simple answer was, “I saw potential.”
In that same vein, as we search for a mate with whom we can spend the eternities, we would do well to remember Elder Scott’s counsel to recognize potential for growth: “I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.” 19
Gospel topics: courtship, marriage
More on this topic: Richard G. Scott, “Receive the Temple Blessings,” Ensign, May 1999, 25; Jonn D. Claybaugh, “Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends,” Ensign, Apr. 1994, 18.
Notes
1. “Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2.
2. Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2.
3. Oscar Hammerstein II, “Some Enchanted Evening,” 1949.
4. Marriage and Divorce (1976), 16.
5. “A Brother Offended,” Ensign, May 1982, 39.
6. In Conference Report, Oct. 1955, 13.
7. Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2.
8. “Receive the Temple Blessings,” Ensign, May 1999, 26.
9. Thomas B. Holman and others, Premarital Prediction of Marital Quality and Break Up (2001), 13.
10. Stand Ye in Holy Places (1974), 7.
11. “Family Communications,” Ensign, May 1976, 52.
12. Gospel Ideals (1953), 459.
13. Gospel Ideals, 462.
14. “This You Can Count On,” Improvement Era, Dec. 1969, 73.
15. “Thou Shalt Not Covet,” Ensign, Mar. 1990, 6.
16. “President Harold B. Lee’s General Priesthood Address,” Ensign, Jan. 1974, 100.
17. “Agency or Inspiration?” New Era, Jan. 1975, 42.
18. “Revelation,” in BYU Speeches of the Year, 1981 (1982), 25.
19. Ensign, May 1999, 26.
[photos] Photography by John Luke; electronic composition by Charles M. Baird
© 2007 Intellectual Reserve, Inc. All rights reserved.
By Thomas B. Holman
Prophetic counsel teaches us that finding a marriage partner takes spiritual sensitivity, maturity, and preparation—including preparing ourselves to be the right spouse.
Thomas B. Holman, “Choosing and Being the Right Spouse,” Ensign, Sept. 2002, 62President Gordon B. Hinckley has counseled that marriage “will be the most important decision of your life. … Marry the right person in the right place at the right time.” 1 But who is the right person? Where is the right place? When is the right time?
Fortunately, President Hinckley and other Church leaders have given us inspired counsel concerning these questions. Moreover, some 60 years of research confirms the wisdom of their counsel.
The right place is, of course, the temple. “There is no substitute for marrying in the temple,” counsels President Hinckley. “It is the only place under the heavens where marriage can be solemnized for eternity. Don’t cheat yourself. Don’t cheat your companion. Don’t shortchange your lives.” 2
But how to find the right person?
We sometimes are given false expectations by movies, plays, and fiction based on the idea that there is a “one-and-only” somewhere out there whom we are intended to marry. This would mean that finding a mate is simply a matter of waiting to lock eyes with the right someone “across a crowded room,” as the song in South Pacific says, 3 heading off hand in hand to the closest temple and then living happily ever after. No matter how romantic this idea is, it is not supported by prophetic counsel. President Spencer W. Kimball (1895–1985) taught: “ ‘Soul mates’ are fiction and an illusion; and while every young man and young woman will seek with all diligence and prayerfulness to find a mate with whom life can be most compatible and beautiful, yet it is certain that almost any good man and any good woman can have happiness and a successful marriage if both are willing to pay the price.” 4
The Right Person
Many of us have the mote and beam problem (see Matt. 7:3–5)—that is, we can easily see the faults of others, but not our own. So before we start holding others up to scrutiny to see if they are worthy of us, maybe we ought to work first on becoming a “right person” for someone else. Elder Neal A. Maxwell of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles offered this counsel: “If the choice is between reforming other Church members [including fiancés, spouses, and children] or ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others—not the other way around! The imperfections of others never release us from the need to work on our own shortcomings.” 5 Therefore, when we focus on finding the right person, we should also focus on becoming the right person for someone else. The strengths we bring to a marriage will undoubtedly contribute to the success of the marriage.
The first quality many young people look for in a potential spouse is someone with whom they can “fall in love,” which often means someone for whom they feel a strong physical attraction. Elder Bruce R. McConkie (1915–1985) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said, “The right person is someone for whom the natural and wholesome and normal affection that should exist does exist.” But he went on to add, “It is the person who is living so that he or she can go to the temple of God and make the covenants that we there make.” 6
Being “in love” and attracted to a person is a good start, but clearly not enough. President Gordon B. Hinckley and Elder Richard G. Scott of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles have suggested several other factors we should keep in mind.
“Choose a companion of your own faith. You are much more likely to be happy,” said President Hinckley. “Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty.” 7
Elder Scott suggested several attributes of a potential spouse that will contribute to happiness in marriage: “a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home.” 8
Some Factors to Consider
More than 60 years of research studies bear out the truth of these inspired recommendations by priesthood leaders. So do my personal experience and observation through years of teaching university classes about good marriage relationships. Research suggests several areas that we need to look at in choosing a spouse 9 if we want to have the greatest chance of success in marriage. These are the individual attributes and deeply held values of the person, the quality of the relationship we are able to build with that person, the person’s background, and the things in our own lives that affect our decisions. Let’s consider each of these.
First, we need to know a lot about the person we are thinking of marrying. As Elder Scott suggested, the person’s beliefs about family life are very important. Research confirms that the more a potential spouse values marriage and family life, the better that marriage can be. Studies show also that the kind of person President Hinckley advises seeking—someone to honor, respect, and give our whole heart to, someone who inspires love, allegiance, and loyalty—will usually have good mental and emotional health, including maturity, self-control, and a healthy sense of self-respect.
The self-respect that prepares one well for marriage is not, as President Harold B. Lee (1899–1973) said, “an abnormally developed self-esteem that becomes haughtiness, conceit, or arrogance, but a righteous self-respect that might be defined as ‘belief in one’s own worth, worth to God, and worth to man.’ ” 10 One young wife’s comments about her husband illustrate how a poor sense of self-worth can harm a marriage. “I love him and I hope he will change. He has poor self-esteem. In any discussion of problems in our relationship, he puts up defenses and throws everything back on me or says he is worthless.”
Two immature behaviors are impulsive spending and losing one’s temper. One young woman broke up with a young man after she observed his problem in controlling his anger. She said to me: “He had a bad temper, and he was power oriented and controlling. I really thought that he would abuse me or my children if I married him.”
There is a need to find a person not only of good character but also one with whom we can have a good relationship. The way we communicate in dating and courtship is a key to building a solid marital relationship. Sincere, positive communication practiced in dating and courtship increases the likelihood of greater commitment, better conflict resolution, and more love between partners in marriage.
Good communication begins with a righteous heart. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaketh” (Matt. 12:34). On the other hand, communication from a selfish heart is generally just manipulation. Elder Marvin J. Ashton (1915–94) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles said: “If we would know true love and understanding one for another, we must realize that communication is more than a sharing of words. It is the wise sharing of emotions, feelings, and concerns. It is the sharing of oneself totally.” 11
Steve and Linda, who divorced after five years of marriage, realized this on looking back. Linda said it this way: “We had problems, I think, from the time we started dating. Neither of us is really good at communicating. I think I am a little better now than when we were dating. But neither one of us discussed our thoughts and feelings; we would get full of anger and neither one of us would talk.”
The Effect of Heritage
In addition to weighing a potential spouse’s character and our ability to create a good couple relationship with that person, we need to consider past and present family relationships. President David O. McKay (1873–1970) taught, “In choosing a companion, it is necessary to study the disposition, the inheritance, and training of the one with whom you are contemplating making life’s journey.” 12
Both research studies and experience show the wisdom of President McKay’s counsel. Good family environments and family relationships tend to lead to good quality marriages by the children; poor family environments and family relationships often foreshadow poor marriages by the children from these homes. Young adults from divorced families, for example, may experience some depression and anger and have trouble trusting or committing to others as a result of the trauma of parental divorce. Whether their parents divorced or not, some individuals may have been exposed to poor models of communication and conflict resolution in their families. Children from families that were emotionally cold and distant, chaotic, dangerous, unpredictable, detached, full of conflict, or where addictions or violence were chronic problems may need special help in overcoming such an upbringing.
Fortunately, however, our backgrounds do not have to control the outcome of our lives or our marriages. While we can do little to change our “gene pool,” we can choose how to respond to the events and conditions of our upbringing, and courtship is one of the most opportune times to do so. President McKay also said: “In our early youth, our environment is largely determined for us, but … in courtship and marriage we can modify, aye, can control to a very great extent, our environment. Morally speaking, we can carve the very atmosphere in which we live.” 13
Even if we came from a less-than-perfect family environment, we are not doomed to suffer the consequences of our parents’ iniquities “unto the third and fourth generation” (Deut. 5:9). The very scriptures that warn of wickedness being passed on unto the third and fourth generation also show the way out of a troubled family background. Doctrine and Covenants 124:50 [D&C 124:50], for example, tells us that the iniquities of the fathers will be visited upon the head of the children “so long as they [the children] repent not, and hate me.” Thus repentance and loving the Lord help free us from the sins of our parents.
The Book of Mormon is also full of examples of how to deal with parental influences. It talks about these influences in terms of “the traditions of their fathers” (Alma 9:17). The story of the Lamanites who responded to the teaching of Ammon and his brethren is a powerful example of a people who overcame generations of wicked traditions. In brief, the Book of Mormon teaches us that we can overcome these negative effects by having faith in the Lord, allowing ourselves to be taught by inspired leaders, learning the lessons of the scriptures, suffering in patience the afflictions that parents may have brought upon us, and repenting of any of the unrighteous habits and behaviors we may have picked up (see Mosiah 1:5; Alma 9:16–17; Alma 17:9, 15; Alma 25:6; Hel. 15:7).
It is important to have family and friends on our side and supportive of the upcoming marriage, Elder Richard L. Evans (1906–71) of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles advised. “Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends.” 14 Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and “faithful, mature, trustworthy friends,” can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed.
The Right Time
President Hinckley offered this counsel about timing: “I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don’t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision.” 15
Waiting too long is clearly ill advised. But jumping into marriage too quickly can also be a problem. President Lee advised that a young man not think of marriage until he is able to take care of a family of his own, to be independent. “He must make sure that he has found the girl of his choice, they have gone together long enough that they know each other, and that they know each other’s faults and they still love each other. … Brethren, think more seriously about the obligations of marriage for those who bear the holy priesthood at a time when marriage should be the expectation of every man who understands [his] responsibility.” 16 Women also need to wait until they are mature enough to assume the responsibilities of a wife and mother, without waiting too long while pursuing less important things.
Making the Decision
After thoughtfully and prayerfully considering all of these factors, we must be sure the decision we make is based on inspiration, not infatuation or desperation. As we seek a spiritual confirmation, we need to keep at least five things in mind.
First, we must be worthy to receive the inspiration we need.
Second, we must understand the balance between agency and inspiration. As Elder McConkie taught, “We make our own choices, and then we present the matter to the Lord and get his approving, ratifying seal.” 17 The experience of one young man illustrates this: “There are two things in my life that I’ve always felt would be important: a career and marriage. Yet at the time I didn’t feel like I was getting a response. I prayed, ‘Heavenly Father, this is so important, I need to know whether or not it’s right.’ Then toward the end of our courtship, I went to the temple. I was so frustrated because I wasn’t getting an answer either way. After praying and waiting for an answer, I got more frustrated and gave up. That was when an impression came to me: ‘You already know the answer.’ Then I realized that God had answered my prayers. The decision to marry Becky always made sense and felt right. I can see now that God had been telling me in my heart and in my mind that it was a good decision. And later, at the time of the ceremony, I had another confirmation that what I was doing was right.”
Third, we may seek several witnesses if we feel the need for additional confirmation. Sometimes we may have difficulty distinguishing between spiritual impressions and our own emotions, desires, or fears. A spiritual witness may be confirmed again in various ways. In His infinite love, mercy, and patience, our Heavenly Father is generous with His counsel and response to His children.
Fourth, we can learn to discern the differences between inspiration, infatuation, and desperation. Inspiration, as we have already seen, comes when one is living worthily, exercises agency righteously, and studies the situation out carefully. It can be confirmed by multiple spiritual enlightenments and peaceful feelings (see D&C 6:15, 22–23). Infatuation is usually manifest by an immature “love” that includes great anxiety, possessiveness, selfishness, clinging, and overdependence; this may be more likely with individuals who lack emotional and spiritual maturity. Desperation is often associated with social or cultural circumstances that create an atmosphere (at least in the person’s mind) of “now or never”; pressure from peers, family, or cultural norms may lead to an unwise decision. A desire to get away from an unpleasant family situation or fear of failure in school or work can cause someone to look desperately to marriage as a way out of a problem. Such fears and anxieties often speak so loudly in our minds that we cannot hear the still, small whisperings of the Holy Spirit.
Fifth, the spiritual confirmation needs to come to both parties involved. A person should not feel that if his or her prospective partner receives a confirmation, he or she is therefore released from the necessity of seeking a similar personal confirmation. Elder Dallin H. Oaks of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles has discussed this issue: “If a revelation is outside the limits of stewardship, you know it is not from the Lord, and you are not bound by it. I have heard of cases where a young man told a young woman she should marry him because he had received a revelation that she was to be his eternal companion. If this is a true revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the woman if she seeks to know. In the meantime, she is under no obligation to heed it. She should seek her own guidance and make up her own mind. The man can receive revelation to guide his own actions, but he cannot properly receive revelation to direct hers. She is outside his stewardship.” 18
Not long ago, my wife, Linda, and I were reminiscing about our courtship, and as I looked back, it seemed to me that I had been immature and inexperienced. I asked how she had dared to marry me. Her simple answer was, “I saw potential.”
In that same vein, as we search for a mate with whom we can spend the eternities, we would do well to remember Elder Scott’s counsel to recognize potential for growth: “I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife.” 19
Gospel topics: courtship, marriage
More on this topic: Richard G. Scott, “Receive the Temple Blessings,” Ensign, May 1999, 25; Jonn D. Claybaugh, “Dating: A Time to Become Best Friends,” Ensign, Apr. 1994, 18.
Notes
1. “Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2.
2. Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2.
3. Oscar Hammerstein II, “Some Enchanted Evening,” 1949.
4. Marriage and Divorce (1976), 16.
5. “A Brother Offended,” Ensign, May 1982, 39.
6. In Conference Report, Oct. 1955, 13.
7. Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2.
8. “Receive the Temple Blessings,” Ensign, May 1999, 26.
9. Thomas B. Holman and others, Premarital Prediction of Marital Quality and Break Up (2001), 13.
10. Stand Ye in Holy Places (1974), 7.
11. “Family Communications,” Ensign, May 1976, 52.
12. Gospel Ideals (1953), 459.
13. Gospel Ideals, 462.
14. “This You Can Count On,” Improvement Era, Dec. 1969, 73.
15. “Thou Shalt Not Covet,” Ensign, Mar. 1990, 6.
16. “President Harold B. Lee’s General Priesthood Address,” Ensign, Jan. 1974, 100.
17. “Agency or Inspiration?” New Era, Jan. 1975, 42.
18. “Revelation,” in BYU Speeches of the Year, 1981 (1982), 25.
19. Ensign, May 1999, 26.
[photos] Photography by John Luke; electronic composition by Charles M. Baird
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