Should I marry this person? How do I know?

One of the toughest decisions in life can be choosing whom to marry. While in serious relationships I've struggled and wrestled many hours with this question, and this blog is a collection of the best advice I've found on this topic. I hope it's as helpful to you as it has been to me!


Quote #1 (President Gordon B. Hinckley):


"Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty. Determine that there will never be anything that will come between you that will disrupt your marriage. Make it work. Resolve to make it work. There is far too much of divorce, wherein hearts are broken and sometimes lives are destroyed. Be fiercely loyal one to another." (Gordon B. Hinckley, “Life’s Obligations,” Ensign, Feb. 1999, 2)


I used to not be very impressed by that quote - who would marry someone they couldn't give their entire heart, love, allegiance, and loyalty to? These conditions seemed necessary but not sufficient. With more age (and hopefully more wisdom) I've realized that for most of us there will be very few - perhaps only one or two - relationships that meet this test, and if a relationship meets this test it's time to move forward with marriage. I think that's what Pres. Hinckley was trying to communicate in the last sentence of this next quote that is very similar:


"I hope you will not put off marriage too long. I do not speak so much to the young women as to the young men whose prerogative and responsibility it is to take the lead in this matter. Don’t go on endlessly in a frivolous dating game. Look for a choice companion, one you can love, honor, and respect, and make a decision."



Quote #2 (Elder Richard G. Scott):


"There is more to a foundation of eternal marriage than a pretty face or an attractive figure. There is more to consider than popularity or charisma. As you seek an eternal companion, look for someone who is developing the essential attributes that bring happiness: a deep love of the Lord and of His commandments, a determination to live them, one that is kindly understanding, forgiving of others, and willing to give of self, with the desire to have a family crowned with beautiful children and a commitment to teach them the principles of truth in the home. An essential priority of a prospective wife is the desire to be a wife and mother. She should be developing the sacred qualities that God has given His daughters to excel as a wife and mother: patience, kindliness, a love of children, and a desire to care for them rather than seeking professional pursuits. She should be acquiring a good education to prepare for the demands of motherhood.



A prospective husband should also honor his priesthood and use it in service to others. Seek a man who accepts his role as provider of the necessities of life, has the capacity to do it, and is making concerted efforts to prepare himself to fulfill those responsibilities.
I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife."



Quote #3: Family Proclamation


"Successful marriages and families are established and maintained on principles of faith, prayer, repentance, forgiveness, respect, love, compassion, work, and wholesome recreational activities."
Quote #4: (Elder Dallin H. Oaks)


"In conclusion, I speak briefly to those contemplating marriage. The best way to avoid divorce from an unfaithful, abusive, or unsupportive spouse is to avoid marriage to such a person. If you wish to marry well, inquire well. Associations through "hanging out" or exchanging information on the Internet are not a sufficient basis for marriage. There should be dating, followed by careful and thoughtful and thorough courtship. There should be ample opportunities to experience the prospective spouse's behavior in a variety of circumstances. Fiancés should learn everything they can about the families with whom they will soon be joined in marriage. In all of this, we should realize that a good marriage does not require a perfect man or a perfect woman. It only requires a man and a woman committed to strive together toward perfection."



Quote #5 (John Bytheway):



John has spoken about the questions his Stake President asked John when John was seeking advice on whether he ought to marry the girl that became his bride. The questions were (no doubt there is some paraphrasing):

Is she a good person? And her family?
Are you happy together?
Does she have major emotional baggage?


Quote #6 (Elder Richard L. Evans or the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles)


"Don’t let this choice [of a marriage partner] ever be made except with earnest, searching, prayerful consideration, confiding in parents, [and] in faithful, mature, trustworthy friends." Loving parents who genuinely want the best for us, and "faithful, mature, trustworthy friends," can often act as a sounding board and counsel us on how best to proceed."

I believe too often in relationships we try to make the decision ourselves, without confiding adequately in trusted friends and family. Often this comes from an appropriate desire to keep many aspects of your relationship between you and your significant other. However, if you fail to confide in your friends and family you'll end up alone in making the decision, and that carries at least as many risks as choosing to confide sensitive things does.


Quote #7 (Dr. Brenley):


Is this person your best friend? Would you honestly rather be with them than anyone else, including long-standing friends of either gender? Does your prospective mate inspire you to be your best self?



Quote #8 (President Spencer W. Kimball)


"If two people love the Lord more than their own lives and then love each toher more than their own lives, working together in total harmony with the gospel program as their basic structure, they are sure to have great happiness"




Quote #9 (Elder Jeffrey R. Holland):



"Yes, there are cautions and considerations to make, but once there has been genuine illumination, beware the temptation to retreat from a good thing. If it was right when you prayed about it and trusted it and lived for it, it is right now. Don’t give up when the pressure mounts. You can find an apartment. You can win over your mother-in-law. You can sell your harmonica and therein fund one more meal. It’s been done before. Don’t give in. Certainly don’t give in to that being who is bent on the destruction of your happiness. He wants everyone like unto himself. Face your doubts. Master your fears. Cast not away therefore your confidence. Stay the course and see the beauty of life unfold for you. [1999 – "Cast not away therefore your confidence"]


Quote #10 (President Ezra Taft Benson)



"Now, brethren, do not expect perfection in yourchoice of a mate. Do not be so particular that you overlook her most important qualities of having a strongtestimony, living the principles of the gospel, lovinghome, wanting to be a mother in Zion, and supportingyou in your priesthood responsibilities."Of course, she should be attractive to you, but do not just date one girl after another for the sole pleasureof dating without seeking the Lord’s confirmation inyour choice of your eternal companion."And one good yardstick as to whether a person might be the right one for you is this: in her presence, do you think your noblest thoughts, do you aspire toyour finest deeds, do you wish you were better thanyou are?" (in Conference Report, Apr. 1988, 58–59; orEnsign, May 1988, 51–53)


My thoughts:

One great test for me is to imagine her with someone else - how does that make you feel? I've never gone wrong with that test.

You can also look at the checklists that are posted elsewhere in this site, most of which come from 2 good books (First comes love and 300 questions)

Another great resource are two excellent talks: One by S. Michael Wilcox entitled "How Will I Know" and John Bytheway's "What I Wish I Had Known When I Was a Young Single Adult"

Two good questions Bro. Wilcox asks are: "Are you in love with a person, or a feeling?" and "Are your concerns specific ones of just general concern and hesitancy? The Lord deals in specifics in most cases."

The LDS Church manuals on Marriage and Family Relations are also good resources for information on how to make the decision.

A couple more bits of advice from me: Try hard not to put artificial timelines on making the decision like getting married by the end of the year or getting engaged before a long trip; you can't go on forever but trying to force it just doesn't work

If you've been undecided for many months consider seeing a counselor. I know that carries some taboos in our culture ("I don't need to see some shrink, I'm perfectly normal") but the reality is often an experienced relationship therapist can help you identify what you're feeling and why you're feeling it, and what things are keeping you from moving forward. Sometimes in a relationship you're blinded by love and struggle to see the forest for the trees, and a trusted friend or a therapist can help your vision clear.

Another question I often asked myself is if I might be happier with someone else? Fair question. I also have to remind myself of the follow up question - what makes someone happy? True happiness is who you've become not where you are or who you are. So the happiest combination in marriage is two people who are as Christ-like as can be and are as committed as possible to becoming as Christ-like as they can be. Of course you need that magical personality chemistry as well, but in terms of attributes that is the key one.