Article - Factors to Consider in Marriage - Forever Families

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Important Factors to Consider Before Taking the Marriage Plunge
LDS Perspective
President Gordon B. Hinckley (1999) counseled that marriage "will be the most important decision of your life . . . . Marry the right person in the right place at the right time" (p. 2). Who is the right person? When is the right time? Fortunately, President Hinckley and others have given us inspired counsel concerning these questions, and, over sixty years of research in the social sciences adds another witness to their counsel.
Being the Right Person
Many of us have the "mote and beam" problem-we easily see the faults of others but not our own. Before holding others up to scrutiny, maybe we ought to work first on becoming a "right person" for someone else. Elder Neal A. Maxwell (1982) advised: "If the choice is between reforming [others] and ourselves, is there really any question about where we should begin? The key is to have our eyes wide open to our own faults and partially closed to the faults of others-not the other way around!" (p. 39.)
Finding the Right Person
We sometimes get led astray by movies and fiction by the idea there is a "one-and-only" somewhere out there and that finding a mate is simply a matter of waiting to lock eyes with someone "across a crowded room" and then living happily ever after. No matter how romantic this idea is, it is not supported by prophetic counsel. Being "in love" is a good start but clearly not enough. "Choose a companion of your own faith. You are much more likely to be happy," said President Hinckley. He continued, "Choose a companion you can always honor, you can always respect, one who will complement you in your own life, one to whom you can give your entire heart, your entire love, your entire allegiance, your entire loyalty" (1999, p. 2). Over sixty years of research suggests four areas we need to look at in choosing a spouse: the individual attributes and core values of the person, the quality of the relationship we are able to build with the person, the person's background, and the things in our environment that affect our choice.*
The Right Time
After prayerfully considering all of the above, we must finally "make a decision," as President Hinckley says. How can we be sure our decision is based on inspiration and not infatuation? First, we need to be worthy to receive the inspiration we need. Second, the scriptures teach that "in the mouth of two or three witnesses shall every word be established" (2 Corinthians 13:1). A spiritual witness can be confirmed through prayer; in discussions with parents or a religious leader; while partaking of the sacrament; or in any number of circumstances. Third, the spiritual confirmation needs to come to both parties involved. Elder Dallin H. Oaks (1981) recalled a case "where a young man told a young woman she should marry him because he had received a revelation that she was to be his eternal companion. If this is a true revelation, it will be confirmed directly to the woman if she needs to know. In the meantime, she is under no obligation to heed it. She should seek her own guidance and make up her own mind" (p. 25).
The Right Person Is Not Perfect-Yet
As we search for a mate with whom we can spend the eternities, therefore, we would do well to remember Elder Richard G. Scott's (1999) counsel: "I suggest that you not ignore many possible candidates who are still developing these attributes, seeking the one who is perfected in them. You will likely not find that perfect person, and if you did, there would certainly be no interest in you. These attributes are best polished together as husband and wife" (p. 26).
*See Karney, Benjamin R. & Bradbury, Thomas N. "The longitudinal course of marital quality and stability: A review of theory, method, and research." Psychological Bulletin, 1995, 118, (1), 3-34; Cate, Rodney M. & Lloyd, Sally A. Courtship. Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications, 1992; Holman, Thomas B. and Associates. Premarital Prediction of Marital Quality and Break Up, New York: Plenum, 2000.
Written by Thomas B. Holman, Professor, School of Family Life, Brigham Young University. Adapted from his September 2002 Ensign article, Choosing and Being the Right Spouse.
References
The First Presidency and Council of the Twelve Apostles. (1995, November). The family: A proclamation to the world. Ensign, 102. Retrieved June 2003, from http://www.lds.org/library/display/0,4945,161-1-11-1,FF.html
Hinckley, G. B. (1999, February). Life's obligations. Ensign, 2-5. Retrieved June 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1999.htm/ensign%20february%201999.htm/first%20presidency%20message%20lifes%20obligations.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=274
Maxwell, N. A. (1982, May). A brother offended. Ensign, 37-39. Retrieved June 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1982.htm/ensign%20may%201982%20.htm/a%20brother%20offended.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=9703
Oaks, D. H. (1981). Revelation. Brigham Young University 1981 Speeches. Provo, UT: Publications & Graphics.
Scott, R. G. (1999, May). Receive the temple blessings. Ensign, 25-27. Retrieved June 2003, from http://library.lds.org/nxt/gateway.dll/Magazines/Ensign/1999.htm/ensign%20may%201999.htm/receive%20the%20temple%20blessings.htm?f=templates$fn=document-frame.htm$3.0$q=$x=$nc=4837
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